Working the program @Step 1
By g1rlie
8/19/2012 3:10:38 PM
I don't know why I am back here. I guess to write things down. Not sure if this is such a great idea since it appears there are some anonymous "addicts" who are pretty inappropriate. But, oh, well. Things I cannot change....

(BTW--Thanks, Moronidenovo and They_Speak for being so nice to me. <3 )

Took about 10 days off of the program, but I went to a meeting. And then more meetings. Now my sponsor is helping me with Step 1. Wow. I had no idea how involved Step 1 really is. I'm really, really scared about it. Basically, what I am supposed to do is write out my entire sexual history and then share it in a couple of weeks with 3 people in SA, one of which will be my sponsor. I am kind of worried about some things:

a) Being judged rather harshly by other addicts
b) Being told that I am not really an addict (I've come to realize that I am, unfortunately)
c) Being told that I'm some kind of weirdo and how can I possibly be this way and don't I think about my husband and children.

I told my sponsor about my fears. He told me that he worried about the same stuff. But he wanted to be whole, so he figured he'd take the attitude of, "If you think you're better than me, eff you. I want to get better" I guess that seems like a healthy attitude. So I'm adopting this.

And I'm worried about telling these people the one really disgusting detail of my life that I really think is gross and I don't know how I'm gonna manage telling these people face to face this gross detail. How in the bleep will I tell them about my brother that molested me? And my mom kept making excuses for him. Then one day I called the cops. That's kind of a sensitive and gross thing to just come out and say to people. Yuck.

Oh, well. I guess I'll get to work and show some intestinal fortitude and get with the Step 1.

I'm not sure, exactly, How this 12-step program works. And I'm not sure Why it works. And I don't even really See the entire staircase. But I can take the first step in faith.

It appears this is an inside-out program, just what I need. It appears the program helps people change Inside so they can make changes Outside of themselves, like quitting their addictions. Maybe it is something like this quote:

“The Lord works from the inside out. The world works from the outside in. The world would take people out of the slums. Christ would take the slums out of people, and then they would take themselves out of the slums.
The world would mold men by changing their environment. Christ changes men, who then change their environment. The world would shape human behavior, but Christ can change human nature.”

? Ezra Taft Benson


welcome back    
"Great to see you!"
posted at 18:26:54 on August 19, 2012 by beclean
"Sounds like things are moving forward. That's great! Glad you came back too. I know inventories and sharing them can be scary. But just know that the fear is directely linked to the shame... once you get over the fear, you share, and the shame is released. It's a wonferful process. Good luck with it!"
posted at 20:21:50 on August 19, 2012 by siouxsie
hey there    
"Was wondering if u were ever going to come back. Good to hear from you. Good luck in your endeavors. Everything will turn out as the lord sees fit!!!"
posted at 20:37:33 on August 19, 2012 by asdfjkl1234
"I'm glad your back if for no other reason than to show the know-nothing-tantrum-throwing-anonymous-peanut gallery their ignorance can't shame you away nor need it shame anyone else. I have a feeling their comments had a lot more to do with their own problems than yours. Stellar example. Way to stay strong."
posted at 00:37:07 on August 20, 2012 by They Speak
Write a letter to your Heavenly Father.    
"For me to overcome my fear of step one I approached it like I was writing a letter to my Father in Heaven. This approach took the judgement out of it for me. There is nothing He does not know. But I know He loves me. I am His daughter. I felt love understanding acceptance.

You are showing great courage Girlie."
posted at 02:25:52 on August 20, 2012 by Hero
"@Everyone--Thank you for welcoming me back :) You are all sweet.

@They Speak--I think you are probably right. Thanks :)

@Hero--Sounds like great advice. I guess I'll try this. Thanks.

@Hurtallover-- Wow. If you could make it through your step one thing, I can, too. Thanks for sharing that with me. Maybe it's not as bad as I think it is. I guess it will probably turn out okay. :)"
posted at 20:23:41 on August 20, 2012 by g1rlie
"You can do it Girlie! I believe in you!"
posted at 01:58:40 on August 21, 2012 by Anonymous
you have the tools to grow    
"It gets easier...that I am certain"
posted at 19:21:41 on August 23, 2012 by skyteamst90
you have the tools to grow    
"It gets easier...that I am certain"
posted at 19:22:00 on August 23, 2012 by skyteamst90

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"I have come to know that thoughts, like water, will stay on course if we make a place for them to go. Otherwise, our thoughts follow the course of least resistance, always seeking the lower levels. Probably the greatest challenge and the most difficult thing you will face in mortal life is to learn to control your thoughts. In the Bible it says, as a man ‘thinketh in his heart, so is he’ (Prov. 23:7). One who can control his thoughts has conquered himself. As you learn to control your thoughts, you can overcome habits, even degrading personal habits. You can gain courage, conquer fear, and have a happy life. "

— Boyd K. Packer

BYU, Speeches of the Year, 26 Sept. 1967