Day 2
By Girlie
7/15/2012 5:02:45 AM
Feeling a little bit better today than yesterday. The night before last, I felt so terrible withdrawal symptoms that I couldn't sleep, even though I took 14 sleeping pills. After taking so many pills, I felt so awful in the morning. Went to two meetings, anyways, yesterday, one online and one traditional type of meeting.

At the regular meeting I went to, as I entered the building, there was a security guard. I didn't know where to go and I didn't dare to ask the security guard where I should go. The building was pretty empty, so I bet he knew where I was headed, but he seemed to enjoy watching me suffer. "Well, I can't tell you where you need to go if you don't tell me why you're here." He smiled. Still, I didn't dare to say. Waaaaaaaaaaaaay too embarrassing. Finally, I saw others walk into the building. I told the security guard, "I bet I'm going to the same place they are. Maybe I'll follow them." The security guard whispered with a smile, "Oh. You're here for... Recovery." Very funny, Mr. Security guard. Sheesh.

I was the only female at the meeting. It was so uncomfortable, but not because I was the only female. It was uncomfortable because I felt really strange about saying, "I'm [real name] and I'm a sexaholic." Wow. That was soooooooooooo uncomfortable. Then, it was embarrassing because I couldn't stop crying. One person there took pity on me and sat by me and put his arm around me. That was nice.

Afterwards, I bought the white book. I am thinking I'd like to take it to work with me and read it on my breaks and lunches, but I'm scared that people might know that I'm a sexaholic.

Also after the meeting, I was intercepted by two members. They pulled me aside and talked to me for about a half hour. "Not everyone who shows up at these meetings should be here." That's how the speech began. Both of these men talked to me about their own situations. I was repeatedly told, "This may not be an appropriate meeting for you to go to. Maybe you should try Alcoholics Anonymous instead." I was told that I am seen as the enemy and that I make some people uncomfortable. Like I care. I figure it's good for people to get outside of their comfort zone. But I can kind of see where this fear might come from. These men, I bet when their wives found out about their addiction, these men probably didn't get treated with a whole lot of kindness. I was also told, "I bet you feel you just entered some water full of sharks." Not so. I may be the only female, but I'm used to it. I was in the military, and when I'd go on missions, often, I'd be the only woman. At my current job, I am an electronics technician by trade. Not too many women are in this field. Sometimes, I get some odd treatment, though. I'm a woman, and I look womanly. Not like one of those women who choose to look kind of androgynous or manly. At my current job, when I went to my first interview, management made fun of me the entire time. I got questions like, "If you had to wear a hard hat, would you get mad if your hair got messed up?" I was also told in the very beginning of the interview that they didn't like me and the interview was subjective so they were going to fail me. They did fail me. But I eventually got them to give me a serious interview. So, I'm used to being the only woman and I'm used to getting odd treatment sometimes. But I guess it's no biggie.

Yeah, I don't feel like I am in a pool of sharks at the meeting because I'm not attracted at all to anyone there, so I don't feel threatened. Sounds odd to say, but it's true. Every ounce of attraction and desire I have within myself is for my Gorgeous former lover, my perfect drug.

Rewind.....After these two men who pulled me aside finished talking, they let me tell them my story. I told them about my struggle with the man who is my drug. I told them I've tried soooooooo many times to stop, but I've been unable to do so. I told them about the marriage counselors who've told me to just not talk to him anymore. No matter what, I couldn't stop talking to him or "acting out" with him. I realized I am addicted. Finally, the men seemed to understand. I was told, "You need to go to another meeting...Today. We will give you our numbers and you can call if you need to. But you need a woman for a sponsor. Call this number, and go to a telephone meeting. Ask for a sponsor there." Unfortunately, after taking so many sleeping pills the night before, I was in no condition to go anywhere. Felt too awful to go to the gym, also. Haven't skipped the gym in a long time. I just slept for the rest of the day.

Now, I'm on Day 2. Today, I'll go to an SLAA meeting at 7pm. We'll see how that goes. Maybe I'll be able to find a sponsor there.

Feeling very tempted to buy another secret cell phone. Missing my former lover soooooooooo much. Feeling so terrible for being so mean to him. I hope he's okay. I think I'm trying to use justification to make myself feel okay about another phone.

Also, thinking that if I can beat this addiction, I can be a better mother. It's hard for me to teach my children properly when I'm not right. I hope they turn out all right, anyways. Trying to keep up with family scripture reading and Family Home Evening. The other day, however, my 10-year old son said, "Mom, most likely, I think you're up to no good." He said it with a smile, but it made me think.

Sadly, what keeps me going is remembering that I'm probably not his only lover. He insists that I am. But the way he answered that question...Before I saw him last, he told me he bought a 12 pack of condoms. He said it was probably wishful thinking on his part. We only used 5 when we were together. He was supposed to see me again today. Last time I talked to him I asked him, "So do you still need to buy condoms?" He said, "Yeah, I'll go buy some." Busted. He said he just threw the rest of them away because he doesn't like to keep that kind of thing around. Yeah, right. Right about now, I'm thinking of the scripture about the wicked punishing the wicked. This has happened to me.

...But I'm still in a lot of trouble spiritually. I told the primary president that I just can't teach anymore. Also, I'm tempted to believe Mr. Lover. My body, my heart, and my head hurt so bad from missing him. Painful withdrawal symptoms. I think I need a sponsor ASAP. SOS. I BADLY want to call him with a new secret phone. Justification: But he told me long before I spoke to him last that he threw away a bunch of stuff including the sexual oil types of stuff we had and the inappropriate picture of himself that he had brought for me last time that I forgot to take with me. I guess it is possible that he is telling me the truth. I need to not justify myself in calling him. Danger, danger, danger. I already have a prepaid phone card for it that I was going to use on my old secret phone.

SLAA meeting at 7pm today...We'll see how that goes.


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"The excuse is given that it is hard to avoid, that it is right at our fingertips and there is no escape. Suppose a storm is raging and the winds howl and the snow swirls about you. You find yourself unable to stop it. But you can dress properly and seek shelter, and the storm will have no effect upon you. Likewise, even though the Internet is saturated with material, you do not have to watch it. You can retreat to the shelter of the gospel and its teaching of cleanliness and virtue and purity of life. "

— Gordon B. Hinckley

General Conference, October 2004