New to the site, not the addiction.
7/14/2012 10:35:36 PM
This is the first time I have been on this site but I have been addicted to pornography for 20 years. I went through the 12 step program 18 months ago and went to meetings for 4 or 5 months. about 6 months ago I started viewing inappropriate things on websites or youtube that I justified were ok because they were not pornography. My lies progressed and 3 weeks ago I was looking at hardcore porn again and masturbating. I was overcome with guilt and confessed to my wife, but tried to minimize and cover up things that were the worst details. When, in the course of a few days, everything came out to her and the bishop she decided that she could not have me in the house anymore and kicked me out. I have never been through so much pain and hurt in my life but I know that she is hurting worse because of what I have done. I am planning on going back to my PARG meetings in two days and meeting with the bishop as soon as he is back from vacation. I am living at my parents house a few hours from my home, my wife, and two kids. She is willing to talk to me and let me see the kids but has set no time frame on letting me come home. I am working every minute of everyday to be better and never fall into my addiction again but it hurts so badly to be pushed away from the love of my life. I love her so much and she cannot understand how that can be true when I keep looking at pictures of other women. I am trying to understand my addiction better so that I can eventually be better. I will do whatever it takes.


Welcome :)    
"Hang in there, Ryanislucky. There is hope <3"
posted at 00:14:28 on July 15, 2012 by Girlie
If you will truly do whatever it takes ...    
" can start the LONG road to complete freedom and recovery. It exists! Welcome!"
posted at 00:22:39 on July 15, 2012 by beclean
"Thanks I really am ready and doing what I need to do to be better, forever."
posted at 19:03:32 on July 15, 2012 by RYANISLUCKY
Approaching 1000 days...    
"Trust is the hardest thing to reclaim in your marriage once it has been breached. Go to meetings and work the steps. Ultimately your changed behavior will speak for itself. Most of all be patient with your wife and give her the space she needs. Become a student of your addiction so that you may understand why your brain craves the things it does. The behaviors are the easiest part of the addiction to give up. Take care of the emotions and feelings that lie under the surface or you will be plagued with your old thoughts and old ways of coping. Addictions are simply Pain Management. Find a new drug....exercise, reading, going to the temple if you can. Get some counseling short term to get your brain screwed back can't do this alone. USe the resources that are available."
posted at 22:01:56 on July 15, 2012 by chefdalet
10.5 days    
"Thanks again. I am really trying and I know I just need to give her time. We talked and we both miss each other but the tension is still there. Working on it every day is the only way I know how to be better."
posted at 13:51:00 on July 16, 2012 by Ryanislucky
"Hey friend. I noticed some similarities to your story and mine. Some differences too. I have 2 kids, a wonderful wife and am new to the recovery process after being addicted for over 20 years. I am about 9months into recovery, over 6 months of solid sobriety. One of many things that has helped me is admitting that "the little things" that can be justified as porn are just as bad because they ALWAYS lead me back. Music videos, youtube videos, leading a little further until it was full blown hard core porn and mb. Staying the heck away from those "little things" has helped me immensely. But that was hard to admit.

Another, that was ( and is still hard) is I told my wife and my bishop EVERYTHING. No hidden corners, no soft peddling it, all of it, from the very beginning when I was 9 years old on. I wrote it out so's not to miss anything. It was a freaking novel, but that way there was no surprises afterwards. They knew everything.

Counseling is vital. I was so skeptical about it a few months ago. I didn't think they would really be able to help. I got a fantastic counselor and I am learning ( and hurting...and healing) a lot.
I have been reading a lot about the addiction. I strongly recommend "He restoreth my soul" by Donald L. Hilton Jr., MD. I am a little over half way through and it has me down to a T. And it is very educational.

It hurts man, it hurts soooooo bad. But I know I am healing and so is my wife. I have a long way to go, but I can for once say that I am being completely honest with myself, my wife and with God.
I get to take the sacrament again this Sunday. I can't believe it. I am so grateful.

If your wife is willing to work with you and love you through this, and if you are willing to do everything, then do it. Rely on the Savior, study the scriptures, get a personal counselor, disclose everything to your wife and your bishop and get to work. Being real is a great feeling. Good luck my friend.

My tag name is WHATTODO if you want to read my other stuff. It wouldn't let me log in today."
posted at 22:42:46 on July 17, 2012 by Anonymous

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"By emulating the Master, who endured temptations but “gave no heed unto them,” we, too, can live in a world filled with temptations “such as [are] common to man”. Of course Jesus noticed the tremendous temptations that came to him, but He did not process and reprocess them. Instead, He rejected them promptly. If we entertain temptations, soon they begin entertaining us! Turning these unwanted lodgers away at the doorstep of the mind is one way of giving “no heed.” Besides, these would-be lodgers are actually barbarians who, if admitted, can be evicted only with great trauma."

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987