So frustrating....
By Girlie
7/9/2012 2:39:32 AM
Went to church yesterday. Sometimes, I feel really bad when I go to church because I realize that I am an adulterer and I actually have a calling as a primary teacher. I teach my little son's class. And I often ask myself how can I possibly teach these kiddos? I mean, look at what I've done. I don't know. Some of the lessons seem to be more for me than for the kiddos. Maybe most of the lessons are like this.

And about my lover....

So often I cry and I ask myself How can I let him go when I love him? It hurts so much. It's also really dumb because I love my husband and I feel so terrible about hurting him. And I realize I, myself, am better off with my husband than with my lover. Especially since it seems my lover drinks A Lot and he doesn't seem to have a moral compass. I realize my lover is bad for me, but I love him. It's really, really, Really dumb. But willingly giving up this man that I love so much is proving to be a very, very, very difficult task.

But I know others have been down this road. I know others have given up that man that they really love because it is the best thing. It's the right thing to do, but it is soooooooooooo hard.
On my dresser stands a picture of a 19 year old girl and her 22 year old husband. That girl was me. She looks so happy. She doesn't know the trials that await her. She doesn't really know the burdens she will bear. Sometimes, I wish I could go back and warn her. But, this is just not possible.
Listening to this helps me get rid of temptation for some reason:


we've been there    
"Positive things:
- the fact that you're on this forum shows that you recognize there is a problem. The problem can't get solved without recognizing it.
- you recognize that you've got conflicted emotions with your adultery partner, conflicting with your emotions toward yourhusband.

Negative things:
- still holding on to emotions toward your adultery partner. Recognize that those have to go away. Letting go will not be easy, but it has to happen for any real recovery to occur.
- based on the fact that you're still in your calling, it sounds like you have not gone to your bishop about this. That has got to happen. It is scary, daunting, and probably the last thing anyone would want to do. The only guarantee is that, once you do go to him, you will be glad you did.

Not having ever gone into adultery, I will not pretend to understand everything that you're going through. But I can relate to a degree. Giving up my "lover" (my addiction) is hard. It keeps calling me back over and over again.

My lover/addiction is an easy relationship. It is so much easier to deal with than my wife. On the surface, it seems like a simple relationship. I get pleasure from it and it asks nothing in return. It is attractive and appears to be exactly what I need.

But the truth is, that is all a lie. My addiction, like your lover, takes away everything that makes me truly happy. It has the power to take away my free agency. It has the power, if I let it, to end my marriage to the best woman in the world. It can take away the priesthood, my temple recommend, and the eternal family that we have built together.

Don't let your lover fool you. The happiness he offers is temporary and an illusion.

One other note. If I ever had to deal with this with my wife, I could probably forgive her, if she truly wanted it. But it would be much harder to forgive the other guy. Call it mysogynism, call me a knuckle dragging grunt, but I would likely want to beat him within an inch of his life, just to let him heal up and then start over again. Any man who goes after another man's wife, especially if they have children, is exhibiting zero respect for the institution of marriage.

You can do much better. You deserve better. You are a child of God. He loves you and wants you back. He will forgive you. It can get better.

Prayers and best wishes,
posted at 10:14:24 on July 9, 2012 by hk-47
The Bhagavad Gita    
"Have you ever read it? One of my favorite books. I think everybody (especially people like us) should read it. It's a Hindu scripture. It deals a lot with non-attachment. It helps me let go. It helps me not freak out at church. Ironically it makes me a better Mormon. This article parallels the teachings of Christ and yoga/non-attachment/etc. Consider the perspective he gives on the parable of the rich man. Maybe it will help you. Maybe it just helps me.


"Non-Attachment is the basis for true love, true compassion, and truly righteous behavior since we come to operate from a divine point of reference in contrast to one embroiled in the endless churning of human desire and need that seldom, if ever, allows us to escape self-interest in even our most noble efforts.""
posted at 14:22:08 on July 9, 2012 by They_Speak
i can relate.    
"@hk47 I have totally thought the way you describe about your addiction. Thanks for sharing."
posted at 14:41:10 on July 9, 2012 by asdfjkl1234
"@HK-47--Yeah, you're right, the happiness I get from my lover is temporary and is an illusion. Mosly, I feel pain about my lover. Yeah, my husband wants to beat my lover up. He's even told my lover this. Luckily, my lover lives more than a thousand miles away. I've been to the bishop twice before because I was with my lover. The first time was no action. The second time I was on probation. Maybe next time I will be excommunicated or something. I don't know. I keep failing at repentance. Boo. :( Not going to go for another month to talk to a bishop. We are moving in a month. I figure whatever happens to me, it will be a process of some sort. We move in 1 month, That is my goal for when I will speak to my bishop, after we move. I'm really nervous about it. Oh, well. I made my bad choices. I was free to choose, but not free to choose the consequences.

@They_speak--great article. Maybe I'll read the book. This article reminds me of the stuff I learned from the book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Have you read this book? It's pretty darn good. Yeah, I've often thought of the parable of the rich man in relation to my situation. He, the rich man, was required to give up all that he possessed. I don't feel that I am required to do this, but I do feel that I am required to give up my lover. Sucks. Oh, well. If only I would have avoided him in the first place, as soon as I realized my extreme attraction to him, maybe I wouldn't be in this bad place. I truly didn't realize the harm my non-avoidance would cause until I was soooooooooooo hooked on him. Epic Fail. Anyways....Thank you so much for your wise words, They_Speak. I really appreciate it. :)"
posted at 14:53:20 on July 9, 2012 by Girlie
you should    
"the gita is dope. Gandhi liked it - how can you go wrong (theres even a Gandhi translation)? I believe it is inspired of God.

I listened to parts of 7 habits when I was like 22 (9 years ago!, pfft ha) but never the whole thing.

How was SLAA? "
posted at 17:42:28 on July 9, 2012 by They_Speak
Oh, man!    
"SLAA? I slept through my alarm and didn't make it to the meeting. Fail. Oh, well. Next Sunday, I plan to go."
posted at 21:05:05 on July 9, 2012 by Girlie
maybe your move is a good opp to do a no contact    
"Smash your phone. Have your husband look over your regular phone. Start some marital counseling. Your husband will need some too."
posted at 22:47:01 on July 9, 2012 by Anonymous
"Maybe you're right about smashing my phone...."
posted at 08:37:52 on July 10, 2012 by Girlie

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"Each one who resolves to climb that steep road to recovery must gird up for the fight of a lifetime. But a lifetime is a prize well worth the price. This challenge uniquely involves the will, and the will can prevail. Healing doesn’t come after the first dose of any medicine. So the prescription must be followed firmly, bearing in mind that it often takes as long to recover as it did to become ill. But if made consistently and persistently, correct choices can cure. "

— Russell M. Nelson

General Conference, October 1988