Affair Recovery: Becoming willing to abstain from my lover
By girlie
7/6/2012 12:40:08 PM
"Change will come when the pain of staying the same is worse than the pain of change."--Unknown Author

I am a wife, a mother, and an LDS woman. I had an affair. This affair is my deepest regret.

Right now, I only have a tiny flicker of will to abstain from my lover. Oh, I love him so much (or at least it feels that way). I think about him all of the time. These feelings are killing me inside. I'm trying to get the will to quit him. I need to be free from my addiction to this man.

Who is this man I am having an affair with? He is a GORGEOUS divorced older man. He used to be my manager at my current job, until I transferred far away from him. We still get together sometimes. He flies out to see me as often as he is able to. He lives over a thousand miles away from me. My lover is in his 50's, his kids are all grown, and he has grandchildren. I am in my 30's, and my children are still young. My lover has always known that I am married. He just doesn't seem to care. He has told me that he feels married people should sleep with other people to "keep things fresh". Yuck.

In becoming willing to abstain from my lover, I've been thinking deeply about the mess I've gotten myself into. I've been asking myself questions to help myself really understand this situation.

What are the costs of my addiction to my lover?

For one, I've lost my self respect. Until I became involved with my lover, I'd never had sex outside of marriage. My husband was the only person I'd ever been sexually involved with in my entire life. I was proud of this fact. Then my lover came to visit me one night. Now, I feel I've lost my identity. Now, I have a hard time seeing my value as a person. I realize that to God, I am of infinite worth. Every soul is of infinite worth to God. But I feel like less than nothing at this time. After all, I allowed some strange man, my lover, to use me for sex. And my heart is collateral damage.

Oh. There's also the things he wants to do with me that could REALLY get me into trouble someday. When we are together, he keeps wanting to take inappropriate pictures of me and of us together. He also wants to make an inappropriate video of us together. Why does he want to these things? I have no friggin' idea. It makes no sense to me. Then he says ridiculous things to me like, "This is so weird. I've never wanted to do these things before." Yeah, right. I officially can't EVER run for any political office. (Then again, maybe if I did run for office, which I won't, I would fit in with all of the others.)

Then, there's my husband. I love him so much. But I've hurt him deeply by committing adultery with my lover. This seems to have turned his whole world upside down. I so need to help my husband realize that he, himself, is a very handsome, sexy, desirable man. I so need to help him feel loved. REALLY loved. But he will never trust me again, I feel. And he shouldn't. I need to get to the point where my husband is my primary concern. I acknowledge my lack in this area. I'm not there yet, but I feel that I will get to this point.

Lucky for me, my children know nothing of this. I hope they don't find out--ever. :"(


Your Lover    
"Sounds like a sex addict"
posted at 23:38:37 on July 6, 2012 by Anonymous
I hooe you dont get too offended    
"You didn't have an affair, your having an affair. You still think it and want it. Here's what I think, and I guess that's what this blog is all about, to hear what we think.

You're not addicted. You want to believe you're addicted so you don't feel guilt for your mistakes and current faults. Stop his on an "addiction" and don't blame the start of this on some drug. You made choices, own up to them and take FULL Responsibility.

The way you write makes it sound like you hardly feel bad. You sound like you're still in the bliss of having a new relationship, hardly the pain and regret most feel when abandoning loves ones and hurting them in the worst way possible.

Stop blaming this "lover" for taking your life away and this "collateral" damage he's caused. I think you're I deep denial.

I can't help but laugh in my head when you say "I need to get to the point where my husband is my primary concern. I acknowledge my lack in this area. I'm not there yet, but I feel that I will get to this point." are u serious?? You should be at that "point" now, not later.

I'm sorry if I come off as harsh, but you are a mom. moms mean everything to kids. My parents divirced and for a while she's all I had. Stop having so much fun with your "lover" (disgusting name) and get serious.
If I was your husband and this is the attitude you gave me id be gone.

Good luck, God bless."
posted at 01:12:04 on July 7, 2012 by moronidenovo
"I hope you are able to ignore Moronidenovo's comments. He does not represent the majority of the people here.

Welcome to the site and hopefully welcome to your road to recovery. You are working to recognize the problems and recognize solutions. Keep going. There are so many of us either in your shoes or your husbands shoes and the one thing I want to encourage you is to believe in total healing through Jesus Christ...for you and your husband.

posted at 06:44:03 on July 7, 2012 by Anonymous
"Moroni can recognize denial since he's in it himself. The little guy thinks masturbation is ok cuz it supposedly keeps him from porn."
posted at 08:54:25 on July 7, 2012 by Anonymous
"Yea, ignore moroni please! He will most likely disagree with whatever you say and is not afraid to say it. @moroni if you can't say anything nice and uplifting, then please go away. We're all here for support, not to be critizised by a teen. "
posted at 10:06:54 on July 7, 2012 by asdfjkl1234
Ah the fire of youth!    
"Moroni, I like you man. From what little i've gathered you're earnest. Can't hate you for that. But, with all do respect, you're bein a douche (I say that with all the love in my heart). How are you any different than her? No really? "Who so ever looketh upon a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery already in his heart....psych!" -Jesus (that kidder). And I don't even necessarily believe the scriptures...but they seem pretty clear. I'm interested how you qualify Jesus' teachings? Or maybe you're like me and don't even believe them?

You don't know if she's addicted or not dude. She can call it what she wants. She keeps turning to something she knows is destructive and seems unable to stop doing so in spite of all the logic in eternity. She could loss her husband. She could loss her kids. She could lose her house. She'll eventually lose her lover i'm guessing. She's losing her soul and her God. And yet, she still does it. Sounds like not much blood is going to the pre-frontal cortex to me. Again, how is that different than you? Are you above adultery? You're mightier than king David? And even if you did commit adultery you'd fix it the right way - with out the 12 steps - because you'd be honest enough to not fool yourself into thinking it's an addiction? We're all addicted to the natural man player.

Call me Dr. Phil but sometimes it seems you're projecting your issues with your parents (which maybe isn't all bad - perhaps Girlie could use a kids perspective.). It sucks what you've gone through. But it doesn't mean you understand.

Sorry if I'm being a dick Moroni (I would only talk this way to a friend - even though we're not friends) but this chick, addicted or not, needs help! Bad. The situation is serious - can't risk pushing someone away that's seeking help. She needs unconditional positive regard (which you can have and still call people out you know). She needs coddling before scolding. In my opinion...and you kind of let her have it. Bad form.

p.s. if it makes you feel better, Beclean lit me up too when I first came here. And we're good pals now :)"
posted at 10:11:18 on July 7, 2012 by They_Speak
"@Anonymous (1st comment)--he probably is. Maybe I am, too.
@Maddy--Thank you for the encouragement :)
@ASDF--Yeah, I kind of figured :)"
posted at 11:05:37 on July 7, 2012 by Girlie
No Surprise here    
"Comments are as expected. I find it funny that hardly anyone comments on these blogs unless there is some kind of controversy. Why di we do that? Do u guys actually care about this this woman? You know what, I know she's a good person, and to get her life back I told her the hard truth. What have you guys said to actually help her?

@TheySpeak I'll reply to you because you actually wrote content. You do t believe the Scriptures? Hmm interesting. I can see why your skeptical on things like that. But I don't I interpret the "looketh upon women" deal the same. I think the bible took things far with their comments to make a point, not to necessarily exact punishment for that sin. Its saying to be listing for women, because eventually you'll do it.

I'm probably being a douche, but again i honestly so it out of trying to help. Not all help is touchy feely and comforting. Sometimes we need a reality check opinion, and since everyone on this site seems to be to scared to say anything I'll be the "martyr" i guess.

I honestly hate the word ADDICTION. What does that word do be let us think everyone's situation is the same. We need to atop assuming that, and analyze a situation with the info they give us.

That's pretty much it Dr Phil, a lot of this does have to do with my parents. They forget about the kids so easily. And that's why I gave Girlie a tough post, so she can think about that.

Meh me and BeClean also had our little arguments but he's probably one of my few friends here. I like you better l, theyspeak, because you tell me what you think I'm doing wrong. Others just personally attack me, and we can't learn from personal attacks.

So, in conclusion, thanks for your comments theyspeak, but I do Stand by my post. I hope you guys actually try helping people instead of making them feel less guilty about their "addictions"

@Girlie I hope you can see something out of my post, if anything think of your kids. Ik not sure when, but you'll hot rock bottom and realize truly what's you e done, and all you will want is to be your family.
Good Luck, God Bless"
posted at 12:32:05 on July 7, 2012 by moronidenovo
"It's very kind of you to call me a good person. But I know better. :)

Really, I don't think anyone is a good person except for God and Jesus because we ALL fall short."
posted at 13:11:54 on July 7, 2012 by Girlie
Well good person    
"Sometimes you can tell a lot from people's words. I can tell you are a good person. You're not saying, ya my husband deserved it for not being a man for me and my kids aren't that important. That to me, would be a person who cares for nothing. But you seem to still care, I think youve just forgotten a little, I've done that a lot. I forget how amazing the Gospel is and how family is one of the ONLY sources of happiness, if not the greatest. So, I just hope you remember those thing in your heart soon, because it's so easy to forget when something new enters your life and disrupts things.

I really do hope you can work things out."
posted at 13:48:47 on July 7, 2012 by moronidenovo
"Aw, thanks :)"
posted at 13:53:28 on July 8, 2012 by Girlie
"I could care less whether an approach is touchy feely or hell fire n brim stone. I care for what works. If hell fire is needed - report is needed to give it. You built little report from what I could tell. You could be anybody coming from anywhere. What do you know? Why should anyone trust you? And if you choose to reprove sharply there is wisdom in returning afterword with an increase of love (like your last post). Because what good is your reality check if the receiver esteems you as an enemy? They will fight you every step of the they should.

I interpret the bible and the book of mormon (the same exact scripture is in both. you probably knew that) to mean what they say. I believe for me based on my own experience, having done both, that there is no difference to me spiritually whether i'm looking/fantasizing/lusting or acting/lusting. In fact, pornography kills and darkens my spirit more than adultery.

As far as me not believing the scriptures I am convicted by my behavior and the words of Sigmund Freud when he claimed "He does not believe that does not live according to his belief." So, I'm rebuilding. Finding out what I do believe. Want to believe. Will believe.

What I dug about your post: is the vantage point you come from. It's one that those of us with a few more years and a few more pounds under our belts may forget we once shared. The vantage point a kid. In that context I do think it was a wonderful reality check. Girlies own kids may not have the liberty or ability to articulate their potential frustrations/opinions/concerns/fears. Perhaps she may glimpse what they could be through you. I think we have to remind ourselves that's where you are coming from. Because I'll be honest, if that wasn't coming from a kid/young adult I think it would be of considerably less value.

p.s. I don't mean to seem condescending about your age. I'm a big fan of Henry David Thoreau and he thought adults and old people were morons. Hell, you may be the wisest among us."
posted at 15:58:29 on July 8, 2012 by They_Speak
Thank You    
"@TheySpeak your reply was extremely thought out. I really appreciate it.

I think you understand, your points are right on. I really wasn't trying to bash her, I wasn't nobody wants that. I wanted to make that post, let her reply and hopefully wt least consider. Now that she has, I have no more of that to say to her. Its just support from here on out and encouragement. I just feel better than I was honest about it now because I truly wanted to help her and I knew it would be the harder way. I knew I would get those comments up there, but I wrote for her and that's all i really cared about.

I can definitely see what you mean by porn would be worse than adutlery, as I think it's worse than masturbation. its so filthy it corrupts your mind, idk it really is a different kind of brast because it's so mental addictive.

That's great your on a journey, we all are. I am, there is so much I have to learn it amazing and scary, but I look forward to it.

Ya I think that would be true that my post would be less values or if I wasn't a kid, and from divorced parents. There's not much I know, but I'm so passionate about the family unit. I think it's amazing, it's the gospel itself and its everything that we should care about. I think a lot of that passion was spilled into my post because I know if Girlie can make it work with her husband and children, she will be so happy. That's why I posted, I truly want her to get better because I LOVE my family and want everyone to have that love.

Don't worry, I'm sure adults (as some bloggers here love to point out) think because I'm younger my words have no value. But, all I ask is for people to consider them, that's all.

Thank you TheySpeak, you are very kind."
posted at 23:26:53 on July 8, 2012 by moronidenovo
tiered of dealing with my husbads affair    
"My husband had an affair with my best friend. Its so sick and I can't move on. It's been such a hard thing to go through this. I don't trust my husband and I can't believe a friend could actually be your friend why doing my husband. It's all so sick."
posted at 17:57:54 on November 9, 2012 by Anonymous
They Speak    
"LOVE your comments."
posted at 11:17:15 on January 10, 2013 by beclean
now that would be hard    
"That wasn't your friend. A true friend would never try and take your husband away. Your friend is selfish and selfish people never think how their behaviors are going to affect others. They are only concerned about them. Sad if she had kids. was your friend married?? Its sad but a woman that can do this can't be close to Christ. The spirit would have said 'don't go there. He's not yours to have. I have had many friends go through infidelity. But never with a best friend. I'm truly sorry for your loss. Brenda Keller"
posted at 03:29:38 on April 2, 2013 by Anonymous
Thanks for sharing this    
"G1RLIE, I appreciate you sharing your story and feelings. There's this girl I call up and see occasionally (every few months) just to make out. We'll see each other a lot for several weeks to a month, then when I've gotten bored (or her), we'll fight about something stupid and not see each other again until I want someone to hook up with. We haven't even gotten to "second base" yet, but when I let my mind wander unguarded, I find myself formulating ways to push her farther the next time I see her.

Thanks to your story, I can see this entire negative relationship is an extension of sex addiction. It's soooooo hard not to send that introductory text I know - in less than 96 hours - will result in satisfying lust and pushing the envelope a little bit more. It's not what I *want*, but I know it's what's *right*.

And @Moronidenovo, to echo what THEY_SPEAK wrote, you sound like me - several years ago. I still don't like the label of an "addict" - "I just have a problem with porn and masturbation occasionally; why should I use terminology that makes it sound like I'm unable to go to work or stop while I'm dating someone?", I thought - but it's the one that best explains where I am. I'll find myself committing actions I know are wrong and look at things I no longer desire immediately after giving into lust. That's addiction. Or emotional compulsive disorder (if you want to term it that way). Either way, it's keeping me from a temple recommend and therefore living my life in a way that's going to attract the kind of woman I hope will agree to marry me someday.

Don't get me wrong - one of the things I regret was not having a resource like this 5 years ago. I laud you for being here and participating and getting people thinking. But don't be so quick to label someone else's situation, especially since only One ever truly understood anyone."
posted at 22:11:45 on April 3, 2013 by Johnroberts
your husband is the real "Lover"...    
"love =love(r) . Sounds like the other man is just a selfish man not caing really to destroy you or your fam and kids. Has no respect in family unity etc. Lover name I feel is my husband cuz he the father of my kids;):) The other man just goes by his lust NOT love. He must being having a empty hole and needs to fill it up with lust..He could really use the spirit to guide his ways and be happy...wonder if their SA mtg where he lives......hum.....but not you the one to tell him. God will find a way if we ask Him...."
posted at 10:36:52 on April 5, 2013 by marie sober
"Sex addiction is the root of many affairs. It's hard to admit you have a sex addiction so many don't. If they can only look up and know god is for them and there marriage he can take away all pain and if you so want to have your marriage you still can you just have to have it god centered. Divorce is so easy to do and the hard thing would be to stay and work it out but from my own experience it is better to work it out."
posted at 20:33:23 on August 12, 2013 by Anonymous

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"The Savior teaches that we will have tribulation in the world, but we should "be of good cheer" because He has "overcome the world". His Atonement reaches and is powerful enough not only to pay the price for sin but also to heal every mortal affliction… He knows of our anguish, and He is there for us. Like the good Samaritan in His parable, when He finds us wounded at the wayside, He binds up our wounds and cares for us. Brothers and sisters, the healing power of His Atonement is for you, for us, for all. "

— Dallin H. Oaks

General Conference October 2006