Difficult night
By jja1234
4/26/2012 1:20:21 AM
It is a really difficult moment for me right now. This blog most likely wont make any sense because the only purpose it is serving is to keep me from acting out. I was going through old messages in email/skype/and facebook severing past "Relationships" (Built on lust not love) and this has caused me to be tempted to MB. I know that if I act out then I will be more than guilty since I'm currently on day 14 which is 7 days longer than I've ever achieved.

Luckily just writing this and turning on some Mormon tabernacle choir has helped me to curb the temptation.

Thank you for reading my venting session! I'm sure this will not be the last one.... It will ALL be worth it in the long run.



I will pray for you    
"I feel so sad to see what this addiction does to perfectly great people.

Hang in there, you can stay sober. Moment by moment, he will life you up... Surrender and he will take your burden for you. That is how amazing your Savior is.

I am remembering you in my prayers."
posted at 01:31:38 on April 26, 2012 by angelmom
Thank you    
"Thank you so much. It's always nice to know that there is someone that cares. For what it is worth the temptation is gone (99.9% gone at least, there will always be that .1 percent.) I will make sure to remember you in my prayers tonight as well. Along with anyone else who is in need of one!"
posted at 01:46:50 on April 26, 2012 by jja1234
so is MB your only problem now?    
"You don't have issue with porn or anything like it?"
posted at 18:39:27 on April 26, 2012 by moronidenovo
"I loved reading this! :) Good on ya for fighting the fight."
posted at 00:02:24 on April 27, 2012 by fatherofone
I should Have known    
"I got overconfident in myself.... Back to day 0 for me... Here's what I'm going to do though. Learn from this. Learn that if I become over confident and think I can do this alone then I will be sorely mistaken. In case you hadn't guessed I acted out today. More than once... I feel ashamed and worthless as we speak. To be honest I'm not even sure why I did it. However... I know that is the adversary trying to get me to just give up. Well here is what i'm going to say to him and everyone else that cares... I'm not going to give up. I'm not going to deal with the fact that I'm dissappointing my father in heaven. I will get back up. Make it back to day 14 then continue to 15 and so forth.

Just to answer a few questions my problem is MB, Pornography, and Video chat sites... I find that knocking one at a time out helps immensely instead of cold turkey. (The sooner they are gone the better though)

I want to apologize to everyone though. I need to be more accountable for my actions.

Here's to the future!"
posted at 03:31:03 on April 27, 2012 by jja1234
One more thing...    
"I'm sorry if sometimes I'm a little to blunt with the way I say things or get too personal. I feel that the more personal I make it though the more it will help me. And I also hope that someone reading this might relate to it somehow and learn from my mistakes so they don't have to make them themselves....."
posted at 03:33:21 on April 27, 2012 by jja1234
Not Back to day one    
"Just because you aren't entirely free of your addictions yet doesn't mean you aren't making progress! Keep fighting the good fight. :)

However, want to caution you into justifying that MB, porn, and chat sites are different and can be dealt with one at a time. They are all part of a larger sexual addiction that you should be focusing on. They are all manifestations of the same thing. You will probably succeed at getting rid of some of them first (avoiding the computer is easier than avoiding yourself), but until you overcome your sexual addiction, you will struggle with each of the separate aspects of it."
posted at 23:58:22 on April 27, 2012 by fatherofone
my personal advice , most disagree with me    
"focus on the pornagraphy and chat sites first. I think chating is worse because they are real live people. It's also extremely addictive, the rush of knowing that someone out tere is doing that is addictive, you look forward to it. I did it for 3 days, hours at times, I was consumed with trying to connect with other people in an inaproproate way. So I think that would be your first challenege. Then focus on pornography, which itself is not an easy task. I don't think you should try to take on the whole world at once because you get overwhelmed on start at the place you started again. I would say, focus on masturbation once you have Pornography and Chatting completetly under control.

Some people will say that all sin is the same and you shouldn't categorize it, but this isn't about that. This is about us as addicts finding ways to help ourselves get out of this hole, then we focus on repentence. "
posted at 00:06:47 on April 28, 2012 by moronidenovo
don't worry about being blunt    
"it's better you get things done because you were willing to ask the tough questions then get less done because you were afraid to ofend anyone."
posted at 00:25:27 on April 28, 2012 by moronidenovo
Thank you    
"Thank you for all the support. I'm still wallowing in my guilt though for one main reason. Last sunday my bishop gave me a recommend for a patriarchal blessing and now i'm not sure if i'm still worthy of it... I'm trying my hardest to stay away from sin but the temptations seem stronger since my slip up. This time feels different though, I feel like I have the power to withstand the temptation... Sorry i got off topic. My questions is do I still give my stake patriarch a call? Or do I wait and have another meeting with my bishop?"
posted at 02:40:41 on April 28, 2012 by jja1234
God Be With You    
"First of all I am proud of you as a brother for standing up and fighting this. You have great courage and Heavenly Father loves you and will help you. I feel prompted to share one of the more profound quotes for me from the Addiction Recovery Guide. It is from the first step: Honesty. President Boyd K. Packer from page 2 said:
“The study of the doctrines of the gospel will
improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior
will improve behavior. Preoccupation with unworthy
behavior can lead to unworthy behavior. That is why
we stress so forcefully the study of the doctrines of
the gospel” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1986, 20; or
Ensign, Nov. 1986, 17).

Sometimes we think that focusing on our weaknesses will help us combat them but really the best medicine I have discovered is to focus on God and our Savior. Lose yourself in prayer to God, in service to your brothers and sisters, in the words of the prophets. Listen to inspiring music. Fill your thoughts, heart and mind with the things of God. It all centers around the two great commandments: Matthew 22:37-40. I don't say these things because I am perfect at this recovery thing. I am only on day 18 of my recovery after being true for over a year and I am traveling for business right now. It is hard. I feel the adversary trying to beat me down into relapse but I see the life I lived in the past and the part of me that loves God and does not want to be that person cries out for mercy and strength and I remember the words from the song: Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing- "Prone to wander Lord I feel it Prone to leave the God I love. Here's my heart Lord, Take and seal it. Seal it for thy courts above...He to rescue me from danger interposed his precious love." I am weak but my God is strong. He loves you so much brother. Let us all fight together and rejoice in his boundless love. We "do not have to be what we have been." My heart reaches out to you over the miles and I pray God's strength and his angels will lift you and help you to understand and know that WITH God NOTHING is impossible (Luke 1:37)."
posted at 16:46:38 on April 29, 2012 by CarpeDiem
Blessing question    
"As far as your question regarding your Patriarchal Blessing I would take it to the Bishop. He is our common judge and can help you to know where you are at and what further steps need to be taken to assure that you are worthy to go forward with your blessing. This is a great and momentous thing though to receive your blessing and you want to be sure that you are spiritually prepared to receive it. It will be a guide and a road map to you throughout your life. God speaks to me in mine in a way that leads me to know that it is directly from him. There are things in there that no one on this earth would know. Press on. You're on the right track."
posted at 17:13:32 on April 29, 2012 by CarpeDiem
Temptations definitely get stronger when you slip    
"I've been through that a billion times. Your mind can trick you into doing worse. When I slipped, I almost thought why not just stay fallen for a few days, but it always turned out worse than I tjought. yits a cycle of mentality, your body only follows. You should talk to your bishop about that, because I do think your supposed to be worthy and pornography is a sin that will prevent you from going to the temple. Good luck, and my personal advice is focus on the chat sites and pornography first, then after a while masturabtion."
posted at 17:54:10 on April 29, 2012 by moronidenovo
Again I say thank you    
"Again I reset my counter back to day 0...... I feel defeated due to the fact that I can't say No even when it seems so simple too.... I'm sure there are others that feel the same way. I feel the reason is I've laxed on my praying and started listening to music that was... Not so uplifting... But I still wanted to say thank you for all the love and support. I'm trying to help everyone where I can but alot of times I have nothing more to say than what has already been said. Just know that I'm praying for each and every one of you that is fighting off sin. And I know that I am receiving prayers as well.

While I might not be where I want to be in the way of worthiness, I'm going to continue to fight the battles and eventually win the war!

Stay strong brothers and sisters! With God anything is possible!"
posted at 03:22:48 on May 2, 2012 by jja1234
I struggled with MB for 9 years. . .    
"I struggled with MB for almost 9 years. MB eventually led to some porn here and there, unhealthy relationships with others, a damaged self-esteem, and suffering 5-6 years with eating disorders. 7 months ago I had no hope, and didn't believe I could ever overcome my challenges. I testify that by the power of the Atonement, Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ can untie any knot that we have tied. If we humble ourselves, He will reach us with his grace, the strengthening and enabling power of the Atonement, at whatever level we are at. My mistake time and time again was that I thought all was done when I confessed to my Bishop. I learned that true repentance is much more than that. It wasn't until I made the decision to repent on the conditions that Christ has set- to do all I felt prompted I should do, no matter what feelings of embarrassment or shame I felt, I made the decision to go about my addiction God's way. The enabling power of the Atonement, grace, helped me a little one day at a time. As I prayed for strength each morning, I recognized the Spirit reenter my life a little more, especially right as I faced temptation. As I began to act on the promptings I received, in those moments I received strength to walk away. Pretty soon my desires began to change. No one can fight addiction on their own. It takes time. We need our Heavenly Father and Saviour's help. Don't beat yourself up for making a mistake- that is what Satan would have you do. I know that with the bands of addiction bring a lack of self respect and self-esteem, but that's not what Heavenly Father wants anyone to think. It is by feeling their love in your life that you gain a greater desire to obey, and as your receive their enabling power to greater and greater degrees in your life by acting on the promptings of the Spirit, I testify your life will change- you will conquer addiction, not by your power, but by the grace of our Heavenly Father and Saviour. Becoming like our Saviour is not an overnight process- "It would mock the Savior's suffering in the Garden of Gethsemane and on the cross for us to expect that He should transform us into angelic beings with no real effort on our part. Rather, we seek His grace to complement and reward our most diligent efforts. . . Real repentance, real change may require repeated attempts, but there is something refining and holy in such striving." -Elder Christofferson. I testify that He meets us at whatever level we are at, and that it's by our obedience that we receive the enabling power of the Atonement that gives us the strength to change a little at a time, and that by doing so, addictions can be conquered by the power and love of our Heavenly Father and Savior."
posted at 01:42:19 on May 4, 2012 by no more
How are you doing today?    
"I agree with many of the comments made above. I have been fighting porn and MB adddiction for over 30 years. The last 3 years I have been attending ARP and the last 4 months a sexual addiction program and I am beginning to see my addiction a little more clearly. One thing I have come to understand is that sobriety (not acting out) is much different from recovery (healing the underlying issues - the why of acting out). My addiction is deep rooted and very complex but I am determined to succeed. I don't know your age and it's irrelevant but I applaud you for wanting to stop it now. I have also realized it is not something that will happen quickly. It will take a concerted effort over time and while this may seem difficult to process you need to take comfort in it because slips/lapses/relapses will likely occur but what it is important that you learn from each time. I have started journalizing how my recovery is going and what is happening in my life and I have noticed that when I am stressed, or when something has happened that makes me feel poorly about myself that I start to feel overwhelmed and this is when I am prone to preoccupying and need to change my environment. I have created a toolbox which I keep in a little folder which contains a letter to myself about why I shouldn't act out and about what is important to me and have some pictures of family and some drawings and writings my children have made for me and some things that remind me of my father who I look up to and want to be like. The idea is that this toolbox is handy so that when I think of acting out I can look through it to see what's really important. You can do it. The best thing is to come out of the shadows of your addiction and into the light by sharing your story."
posted at 01:03:20 on May 5, 2012 by therodg

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"Each one who resolves to climb that steep road to recovery must gird up for the fight of a lifetime. But a lifetime is a prize well worth the price. This challenge uniquely involves the will, and the will can prevail. Healing doesn’t come after the first dose of any medicine. So the prescription must be followed firmly, bearing in mind that it often takes as long to recover as it did to become ill. But if made consistently and persistently, correct choices can cure. "

— Russell M. Nelson

General Conference, October 1988