playing with fire
By anon16
3/19/2012 10:33:54 PM
My Bishop feels very strongly about the 12 steps. I've been working on them, and its helping somewhat.

But I am playing withfire, and Know it. I've been struggling with porn the past few weeks. I've already decided to not take thesacrament on Sunday.

I'm in danger of losing my progress , my 54 days. I really already have,just not completely.

Its like I'm taunting myself, to see how much I can stand. I hate it. I frankly feel awful. But I'm not stopping. Partofme doesn'tevenwantto.

Some of me is saying,maybeI should talk to my Bishop.H e knows that I'm struggling. I just saw him sundaytho, and am not going to see him for several weeks.
I guess in writing this, I'm trying toknow how to undo the damage. So I can keep going. Because when I have a taste, I just want more.


Make the call before...    
"Or the text. Talk to someone the second you are tempted. Talk it through. Don't make the call after. I was just thinking today about how proud I am of you :) Don't give up!"
posted at 22:38:31 on March 19, 2012 by iamstrong
Is there someone else    
"It makes all the difference in the world to have someone to go to, who will listen and help you be accountable. It may be hard, but opening up to a parent was the best thing for me. These are people that love you unconditionally and will and should be there for you. If not someone else. The most progress for me came when I felt accountable to someone who I saw often and talked to often. I knew they knew, and I did not want to let them down.

When it was just myself trying not to let God down, I couldn't do it. I am not strong enough alone. Never give up! You are going the right direction. One step at a time."
posted at 23:04:42 on March 19, 2012 by Leo
"Why isn't your porn access completely restricted?"
posted at 23:52:01 on March 19, 2012 by moroni
hey 16    
"Go read your old posts. All of them. Then read your scriptures, and call your bishop.

Get back up. Keep going. You can do this."
posted at 02:04:56 on March 20, 2012 by beclean
"I know what you feel, as the AA said we are only as sick as our secret,
talk to your bishop, talk to a support person or a sponsor

I will pray for you"
posted at 02:43:53 on March 20, 2012 by mike81
"Moroni, I don't have any filters. Pride is my biggest issue. I've gotten up to 30 days before, so I know I can resist it. My bishops eyes got huge though, when I told him about one of my slip ups(I am honest with him) and that's never a good sign. Part of me really wonders why I'm being such an idiot.

Iamstrong, its not a situation where I can. I literally act now and think later. I haven't had an issue with mb, but I'm following the letter of the law vs the spirit of the law. That's the only reason I haven't.

I know its dragging me down. I can feel a difference in myself. I'm just trying to understand why I'm doing this, I guess. I'm miserable,and I know it. I also know that this is an addiction, rapidly getting worse"
posted at 06:30:57 on March 20, 2012 by anon16
what seems to work...    
"Be mindful -- understand what you are feeling under the cravings? anxiety? fear? It's rare to have just a lust craving.

Call someone - You should have a stable of other recovering addicts that you can call. Bishops and friends are nice but it's rare that they get "it". Best reason to attend 12 step meetings is to find people to call that get "it." where you can say I feel the twing of desire and lust and Im scared. and they will respond.. I totally know what you mean. what else are you feeling? You need enough people that you can call all the time and get someone.

Do something else - recognize the ritualization early. I feel the twinge of desire .. that is fire. go do something else. change rooms, do some homework, clean the kitchen floor, clean the garage, go to the store, if you dwell on it, you are locking horns with the devil and will lose eventually when you tire. Devil never gives up.

Surrender to God -- its tiring to fight. You dont need to.. Turn it over to God and ask him what to do and do it. "
posted at 08:58:29 on March 20, 2012 by Hurtallover
"Anon16 - I am going to be a bit blunt with you. First, I agree with Moroni. Part of admitting that you are powerless is understanding that you of yourself cannot stay away right now. Get filters. If you could have just chosen to stop you would have. You are addicted. You are deeper than a simple choice to stop can fix. That is what addiction is. Again, get filters! Recruit your Bishop or parents to hold the passwords. Or....Honestly, it would be better for you to get rid of your computer and phone, Ipod, books or whatever else you use to feed your addiction than it is to keep on the road your are currently on. In 'He Restoreth My Soul' Hinton asks, "How bad do you want to change? How far are you willing to go? What are you willing to give up?" Is it possible that you are wanting to change, but not willing to change or give up the things in your life. If that is in fact the case, then you know that is a contradiction to recovery.

I believe that there cannot be change without sacrifice. What are you willing to give up to know God? You can't simply choose to stop looking at porn because through addiction you have given away part of your agency. But you can choose to give away your computer. You can choose to have your parents take away your internet or phone or even your bank account. Those are the types of choices you can make.

I don't know your circumstances and if I recall you mentioned being homeschooled and so this may not be a possibility, but you've got to at least do something more, like getting firm filters on your electronic media. 'If you always do what you've always done, then you will always get what you've always gotten.' We've all seen you make progress since you joined this site, but obviously you've come to another crossroads and you have to decide if you will take the next step or not.

I hope this give you some food for thought. I know it has been a bit blunt like I said. My last comment is that maybe you can spend some time really studying King Lamoni's father is Alma 20-23. I know his story has certainly helped me. Good luck."
posted at 09:33:37 on March 20, 2012 by maddy
Give up your access,    
"When I felt true remorse over my addiction, I got rid of the computer in my apartment and promised myself that I would never use a computer again if I was the only person in the room with the computer. This step of action has prevented me from "playing with fire." Everything I do on the computer is at the library now, even though I'm a student, and I could come up with ten or more reasons why I should have a laptop or a tablet. Sobriety is worth so much more than success in school though. The great thing is that my GPA has actually gone up since I got rid of my computer six months ago, and I have even received a couple scholarships as a result. Truly the Lord blesses us when we do what is right.

Maddy is right. When we sacrifice things that are important for us, the Lord is then able to bless us more. If you want to stop playing with fire, maybe you should get rid of your flammables."
posted at 10:26:02 on March 20, 2012 by ETTE
My 2 cents from mr cynical...    
"Youre trying to fight a battleship with a bb gun......

There are so many ideas here and people have this technique or this book to can be was for me, so i.stopped coming here I stopped reading cuz i was like im never gonna get better...
this site is also like weight loss programs...everyone knows how to do it, with this way or that way, or this machine or dvd or whatever, but in the end you left to yourself amoungst all this info...and you get overloaded...

my 2 cents

Isaiah 58:6 read 930
Is not this the fast I have chosen?
To loose the bands of wickedness,
To undo the heavy burdens
And let the oppressed go free
And that ye break every yoke

.....follow up by the promise...isa 58 verse 9......

How does this relate to you?
What are the bands of wickedness in your life?
What heavy burdens do you have in your life?
Are you oppressed?
what yoke of yours needs breaking? you know what a yoke is?

Furthermore.......j ruben clark said....fasting is the essiantial element in the exercise of spirtual powers....
.....hint hint.....youre a spirit person having mortal experiences.....

Just some thoughts there....

2) ps 35:13....i humbled my soul with fasting....................start here....
If you want to kick this start here....

Filters and all that...can help....throwing junk many playboys did i throw out only to get more????? ........but your missing a piece of knowledge....a) your human b) we're all built to desire sex c) your lack of love

Sewww....until you fast and conquor this 1st opinion you wont move forward.

Example (pattern *hint hint wink wink*) ....jesus (the lord).....goes in the wilderness.....starts his fasting + prayer 40 days and 40 nights........ Then temptation comes at the always does......stop!!!!!! question......was jesus strong at this moment or was he weak????????????????? decide........contine.......the devil temps him with what???? FOOD!!!!!!!!!!! the lusts of the body hunger!!!!!! the stomach!!!!! i hate that more then other members of my body.....yum yum if i was jesus i would be thinking of good bread, like the kind that melts in your mouth with like honey butter, or some garlic toast or garlic bread from olive garden..thats what im talking about...oh...the hunger what did jesus do?????? 2 things......a) didnt give in b) answered satan with truth.....
the truth shall set you free!!!! patterns......hints.....

lastly quit counting days...and stop worrying about weather youre going to do cuz you ll be so worked you ll prob end up doing it cuz you think you werent doing it only to wake up realizing you were dreaming doing it and you found yourself doing it

p.s.s. forgive yourself...heal from any mistreatment or meaness from kids or family members...forgive those that have hurt you...

posted at 18:58:08 on March 20, 2012 by skyteamst90
Maddy and Ette explained things pretty good    
"Its true, you need to sacrifice in order to better yourself. But, you brought up pride. You are probably thinking, "If I'm going to quit this, I'm going to do this out of my own choice not because someone didn't give me any choice." Ya, I think that's pride, honestly I can see where your coming from. You want to be able to say that to your bishop, parents and to other people. I think you should leave your pride, and get filters. Your bishop was probably disappointed, and he would encourage anyone to get filters if it helps them, I'm sure.

I dont have any quotes for you, but we've all heard the dangers of pride. You are choosing pride over your spiritual well being. use the filters and blocks in order to help you, accept help not only from that but the Lord. How can you truly repent of you repeat your sins, in fact reputation shows lack of true remorse. Now I'm not saying slipping up means you dont want to repent but what if you could have easily prevented that?

I recommend K9WebProtection. Its on PC and iPods. FREE
Good luck, God bless"
posted at 19:11:40 on March 20, 2012 by moroni
I cant help but sense a bit of skeptism from SkyTeam    
"You sound really whiny, and just kinda take a jab at everyone on this site. You say this is like a weight loss program? Are you kidding me, this site has pretty much saved me from myself. I began to understand that other people have problems and we're all here to get better. Its not l, ty this try that maybe you'll lose some weight (addiction). We're trying to help her out and I think her being able to talks to people helps her alleviate stress.

I agree tho, sometimes its a bit much. I kinda try not to say what's common because usually, that's not my true opinion and what's the point of saying the same thing. I get what you mean to a certain extent. People throw random suggestions out there say this say that, and sometimes the person isn't even helped.

But, a lot of us actually use those suggestions and they're useful. If this site didn't work for you SkyTeam, fine, but it doesn't mean it won't work for other people. You can't blame others, its all up to us to change ourselves, I dont blame anybody else for my problems.

Thanks for the comment tho, hope I'm not to hard."
posted at 19:21:11 on March 20, 2012 by moroni
to Anon16 & Skyteam    
"So I don't know if you were offended by Skyteam's response to your blog, like some poeple, but if you were, I believe he wrote the way he wrote just so he could get your attension, because honestly, the things that he mentioned were the direct and utter means by which I became liberated. Did you hear me? Not recovered, where I have to go to a 12 step meeting everyday or week just so I can stay sober, no, FREE!! :) It is possible, Anon, that is my sincere promise and testimony that sacrifice through fasting (in this case, abstinance from food for a period of time &, let's not forget, lust: masturbation, pornography, looking at a women, etc.) and sacrifice through truth - and what I mean by that is, you must live it, breathe it, speak it, eat it, walk in it, sleap in it, talk with it, converse with it, ponder it, practice it, EVERYTHING it. Do it. Open the scriptures, and attack devil with them, pronounce it, do what Jesus did: 'for it is written: thou shall not live by bread alone but by every word that proceedeth from the mouth of God.' Yeah, he said it. He didn't think it, he spoke that into existance. If you're still having trouble understanding me, lol, I'll be more than happy to explain it to you. Also, with a final note, let me assure you that you're afflictions Anon are only for a moment, and God did not curse you or for a matter of fact anyone. He just wants your obedience, so you won't have to suffer like Jesus suffered, if he could to set you free, he would but his word cannot be void, because afterall, our God is faithful, and is that way foreva'. The truth will set you free Anon, which is written in the word of God. :) You just have to show God that he is able to entrust you with your dream of freadom!"
posted at 21:42:57 on March 20, 2012 by regal777
Cynicism isnt always the mlst effective way to get someones attention    
"@Regal here is the definition of Cynic: person who shows or expresses a bitterly or sneeringly cynical attitude.

Is that a good way to get someone's attention? Ya, I think that's a great way to respond in a place like an Addiction Recovery site."
posted at 22:25:03 on March 20, 2012 by Anonymous
"I think everyone has his own opinion, but at the end the purpose of this site is to help addict to recover, to be able to find hope but also to see the reality, we can also gives and and receive advice.

Someone said once "The great aim of education is not knowledge but action" ."
posted at 02:25:22 on March 21, 2012 by mike81
Sharing time is good, but action is good    
"Im make clarify my comment.
I'll reexplane that I have become cynical in my own mind, for various reasons, but I tried to say that while this site does offer support, it also is overwhelming with advice, direction, or people saying this or saying that....that was what i tried to say in my first paragraphy. i am happy that some of people here have been benifited from the support and community here.

so just to further explain my cynical point of view does come from the mormon tag line "if theres anything we can do let us know" then when you actually call...people are busy...then youre alone. so in a way i had to learn how to save my self or at least figure out what my part was....part of this learning is fasting...being excd from the church i get to see alot of things from the outside in...and its interesting to say the last.

however you will not take out the human factor in all of this...that will still be here...but thats a different topic....
so sorry for offending people. i was trying to teach a princple and i guess not real good at it.

but all my points were based on some of my findings
a) fasting + prayer
b) love...what love are you lacking in life that the addiction feeds....i garuntee that most, being over half of people, are comforting themsleves this way becuae of LACK OF LOVE IN THEIR from parents mostly...or spouse....or they dont know what love is...or low self esteem sometimes. ive read alot and do some work with a sex therapist. some of the ideas are interesting...but i'll still with my opinion of lack of love....any one disagrees with me please message me and i would love to hear your thoughts....but anon16 is obviously suffering from some of that...its more then the feel good things and mere bordom. "
posted at 12:01:56 on March 21, 2012 by skyteamst90
Skyteam has a point    
"It wasn't until this past year that I've actually been strong against my temptation. And that's when my Bishop at the time had me get down to my roots. He didn't even talk about my addiction really. Just the feelings behind it. The talk Place No More For The Enemy Of My Soul talks about this. Lust is at the root and a lot of times we turn to lust because we can't find love. And then lust just takes over even though love is there. And instead of simply cutting off the branches, we should go to the root. Like I've got this disease and I don't want to just cure the symptoms, I wanna cure the actual disease. Lust. And that is the difference between sobriety and recovery. The difference between white knuckling and recovery."
posted at 14:20:05 on March 21, 2012 by iamstrong
Some of us just agree because its easier than coming up with our own opinion.    
"I applaud you, Sky, for being a little different, but I a disagree with you on some things. I do think a lot of people on this site, say the same thing and just throw out random suggestions just because that's what they're used to. Some people, might act like they really care, and maybe they mean well, but in the end they are preoccupied with their own problems. I get it, but this site was never meant to replace your bishop and faith, if you ever thought that was going to happen then maybe that's why so many people failed.

Your experiences in the church, are your own and you make it what you will. Some people didn't call back, they weren't really your friends, the only reason they talk to you is because your Mormon. I've been through all of that, and I let it bring me down. Im done with it, I'm not going for them, I'm going for me and if they talk to me cool, if not I dont really care. There are a lot of nice people, find them. Quit waiting for everyone to come to you. There are Mormon faults, but the faults are the people, not the church. Your "cynical" point of view is just pointing out the obvious in a unproductive way. Idk how it helps anyone, maybe putting a little realism isn't bad but nothing is hard fact.

I can tell you are a complainer. I used to be one, I'd blame this for that and cry about this because someone didn't do that. Sorry if I'm mean but I just didn't really agree with the way you put it, mostly because I saw a lot of that in myself in the past.

You say its all up to us, and it is, but we can always receive help from others. There is no magic bullet for these issues, its a long road.

Hope to hear from you some more, we have a bit in common."
posted at 16:51:51 on March 21, 2012 by moroni
"I dont think im a complaner, im needy... I dont have parents that love me and my siblings dont speak to me either. My family life has been so screwed up, and having the mormon thing has made it tougher. So becuase of that deficientcy in my life I have relied on friends...which has been both good and bad but mostly bad. People do let you if the "lord works thru other people to answer prayers"...then that sorta makes things confusing...i have been greatful for the few times that people have been there. Some one did come to see me when I was in the hospital. Youre right if people arent willing to show up or say hi or do something then they just arent willing to be a friend. I have depression. It is a real thing. I have learned that while going thro this. Its aweful for me and I have been tormented. I dont know why this is, but it just is. I believe that.some people have a heavy mental mind and they are stable and able to be successful, and since that person might not be depressd...they might noy understand what a deptession person goes thru. I have been in many physcic ward.hospitals and have seem.and met these folks that.are living but struggling.

Im.not amy better then any one else, but I do realize the magnatude of the.sins I.have committed. I have alot tobe mimdfull off.....

My thought process lis like this...i hate me (warren)...hate for variois.reasons. Hes a loser.amd lost everything in life. Lost his job on.the army. Lost his marriage. Lost.his church membership, then lost he.qorld poceasion. Shortly there after it just all happen

posted at 20:58:53 on March 21, 2012 by Skyteamst90
True, your different    
"I can't say I know what its like to be medically depressed. I dont even know anybody that is depressed. All I can say is I've had times where i felt like i have been. What is life, why am i here, what makes me special, there are other people that are better than me, i dont really matter. All of these questions were pondered while i was alone, when i felt like nobody understood me. But i did always come out of it, so i can't blame you for having a condition. Usually my family helped, just being around them.

I am sorry that you dont have a supportive family, i really am. Only because i understand how important they are, and what they can do for you. Im not in the position to give you suggestions, like maybe you can make amends or anything like that, but i do think it will get better. get out of your little world, move somewhere travel. Discover the real world, the one out there. I can tell you i dont belong where i live, i would love to move. Learn about the Holocaust and histories tragedies, it teaches you how lucky we are. Expand your sights, the stagnant water we live should be shuffled.

Good luck God bless."
posted at 22:36:42 on March 21, 2012 by moroni
Hey, Skyteam    
"Is your thought process really like that? If so, than I was wondering if you would allow me to pray for you, in any way or level you wish me to, I have no idea, of... well, maybe a little, of what you are going through (like 2%) - I'm just being honest, but I want to let you know that, regardless of whether you're telling the truth or not about your circumstances & your past. Well, I'll just say that it's either me or both of us that are taking a tiny leap of faith in this. I don't know what your standing is on the Bible or the Book of Mormon, but let me tell you that through Jesus Christ... ALL, every one of your wrongs can be made right through the mercy & grace of Him who swooped down below it all, even below your trials and the tremendous price of your mistakes and short comings. It says in Jacob 2: 7 - 8 "...whose feelings are exceedingly tender and chaste and delicate before God, which thing is pleasing unto God; And it supposeth me that they have come up hither to hear the pleasing word of God, yea, the word which healeth the wounded soul." The lord knows our afflictions, he understands - through the scriptures we’ll come to know our Eternal Creator, for it says in John 17:3, “And this is life eternal, that they might know thee the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent.” I encourage you to read this talk, it’s written by ‘unknown’ lol, but it might help."
posted at 18:10:51 on March 26, 2012 by regal777
"don't get discouraged you have came a long ways
believe in yourself, believe that you can do it and you will get through it.

PS: if you do get discouraged remember this:
you must taste the bitter before you can partake of the sweet"

warmest regards,
posted at 18:40:50 on March 26, 2012 by Anonymous
Don't give up Anon16    
"@Anon16: Fasting, filters and contacting others. All great advice. Fasting is great when fighting physical desires. I can get around every filter I have ever found. It is only a matter of how long I want to spend, but I use them anyway because they make good speed bumps. They slow me down long enough that I can think of the other things to do. Kind of helps with that “act now and think later” issue you mentioned.

As one friend told me:
I walked down the street and didn't see the hole and fell in.
The next day I walked down the street saw the hole and fell in anyway. Now it was my fault.
The next day I walked down the street saw the hole and walked around it.
The next day I walked down a different street.

I try to plug the last hole I got through. It makes the last relapse not a total waste.

As far as people you can contact who understand the issues and recovery. I have found great help in reaching out to others even when I am not struggling. I haven't been very good at it in the past, but some friends kind of sucked me into it in the last few months. It would probably be best to stick with people of your own gender and if I remember you are female. I may be out of line suggesting it, but I would be willing to bet that IamStrong and Maddy would be willing to have you call them. They would make great recovery friends. I don't know what their personal lives are like but I know with all the good sisters here on the site that there are probably at least a half dozen that would be willing to answer calls or receive texts. Probably the safest way would be to set up a temporary email account and give that out with a request for “support sisters” and then they can send you their numbers if they feel like it.

I wish you recovery. You are doing great.

@SkyTeam: It is good to hear that you have found things that seem to be working for you. You sound better than you did a few years ago. Glad you are still with us."
posted at 16:45:13 on March 27, 2012 by justjohn
Can't we all just eat some beef jerky and get along?    
posted at 12:38:05 on March 28, 2012 by Anonymous
I like JustJohn's analogy    
"Im going to use it..

thats been what works for me.. Learn to avoid the streets with the holes. When I fall in the hole, fgure out why I fell in -- was it the street or the way I was walking.. "
posted at 13:15:06 on March 28, 2012 by Anonymous
"yes hey, i do suffer from depression and axienty. it really sucks. some days i feel better and i can do this (my dailys or just even live life) and other days i just completly comes in serveral ways...sometimes i isolate. i stay in bed. sleep all day. thats just the physical...but the mental or emotional theres a war going on in my a book of mormon battle...i here the clanking of swords feet pounding, people yelling....and its like one of those moves in a movie a part senters on me..."what your order captain?"

feel free to pray for me if you desire. thats really nice of you. i feel inadequte for that honor, you dont even know me and you want to do that. i appreciate that.

i dont mean to get all eeeeeeeeee but my intent in the other postg was to offer some insite to teaching method stinks, so i will have to learn a new way to better communicate it. so i didnt mean to offend.

sometimes my thoughts are hopeless and all is lost. i realize now that i dont like myself, yeah i hate myself and my life im miserable...and i have tried unsuccessfully and failed over and over to fix it or get back on track. and so the whole god will deliver you idea seems hard to accept. the whole god loves thing ks hard to accept...i have learned that i have some pride in myself...didnt know it was there till suppose to ask for help from god...

the masturbation thing is for me different now days. maybe cuz im older or my meds, but its different. seems my focus has changed from fighting mb to fighting depression which is a bigger issue for me.

i was to get rebaptised on march 30th but i chose instead to hide and avoid the calls from the missionaries and bishop. looks like i coward out for fear of failing again. i was close but i didnt feel totally ready. i feel baptism is important but i do have other q about the temple and such and those thing seem to frighten me and cause some anixety."
posted at 06:47:21 on April 3, 2012 by skyteamst90

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"Brothers and sisters, let's sell that summer cottage in Babylon. Let us be not "almost" but "altogether" Latter-day Saints. "

— Larry W. Gibbons

General Conference October 2006