Ive failed in every way.
By moroni
3/6/2012 2:23:41 PM
I never got the chance to confess; Whether out of avoidance or chance. I believe I'm inactive. I've never had to say that in my life, but I do think I am, and that's the worst thing in the world. I've still looked at porn, more than anything out of boredom, its almost a why not. Only a few times from strong urges. I don't know what that means? My spirit, has never been weaker, I've never been unhappier with myself. Nothing seems right or aligned for the bright and spiritual future I always dreamed of.

I want to go on a mission, but I've seen stories of people who have been preparing since the day they turned twelve. Im not even close to that, not even spiritually prepared. How can someone like me, go on a mission?

I don't know what to do anymore, everything seems, like nothing. I feel low now, but then I go on to a normal daily basis, and forget.

What does this all mean, what should I do.


Do Your Dailies    
"Start and end every day with meaningful vocal prayer. Read the Scriptures (particularly the Book of Mormon) for 20-30 minutes every day. Attend all your meetings, and talk these matters over with your Bishop, and work towards the goal of going on a mission. These are simple steps, but you must be consistent in them.

I sense that there might be deeper issues that compel you to act out, even when there's no urgency. You might be avoiding responsibility, or commitment, or whatever, I don't know, but there might be something deeper that causes you to fall. Maybe it's just boredom. I've had to deal with the same thing: the Lord has given me strength and to spare, and yet I fall. But recently, after a very healing discussion with my Bishop, I have been given more light about the underlying issues and I can employ the strength he has given me to my advantage.

Remember the Prophet's talk at the first General Conference Priesthood meeting after he was sustained as President of the Church? He admonished us to do three things: 1) study diligently, 2) pray fervently, and 3) live righteously: "touch not the unclean thing."

Please do your dailies and work with your Bishop to get these things in your past. I think you are a wounded warrior like many of us on this site, and you need to heal and to feel the exhilaration that inevitably comes from righteous living.

Peace, brother."
posted at 16:02:34 on March 6, 2012 by dog
find peace in yourself.    
"who cares if someone has been preparing since age 12 for a missoin. Alma the younger and Saul went from vile sinner to productive missionaries very quickly. Its more about having a strong testimony of the savior than "knowing stuff"

One of the mest missionaries in my mission was only a member for a couple of years.

sounds like you are really struggling.. I suspect deep down you know what will work for you. The program almost always works if you have rigorous honesty.

are there PSAG or SAA meetings in your area? Its ok to attend if you are under 18 to attend. I found that having a few people in the program that I could talk to really helped me. Having a sponsor really helped. Doing dailies really helped. I had to do them all.

you can make it. "
posted at 20:00:38 on March 6, 2012 by Anonymous
"The only real way the fail is to quit. Don't quit and don't let discouragement in. Just because you slip doesn't mean you've lost. Keep reaching and you will get there."
posted at 20:16:53 on March 6, 2012 by maddy
Keep moving forward    
"There was a young man in my Addiction Recovery group, that I saw struggle for a few years, but he is now serving a full time mission. I agree with Anonymous, Alma the Younger & Saul made some big mistakes & they became major leaders. My own stake president is a recovering addict, of what I don't know. And he has been clean for well over 30 years, but still. Don't flush your life away when you are in the "depths of despair" as I call them. We never see improvement in ourselves when we just relapsed or slipped up. We as addicts have cycles. You are just going through your cycle. It's learning how to reprogram your cycle into healthier behaviors. I exercise more now that I have ever before. Don't beat yourself. Accept that you are an addict, accept that you screwed up & learn to reprogram yourself. Now that being said, You didn't geth this way over night, so it isn't going to happen over night. I am still reprogramming & I've been in counseling for at least 5 years & going to addiction recovery for almost 3 years. Don't be so hard on yourself. I promise you that The Lord isn't nearly as hard on us as we are on ourselves. Stay focused on your goal of a mission."
posted at 07:42:32 on March 7, 2012 by ME
Great answers....    
"First and foremost get in to see your Bishop. We raise our youth to believe that a trip to the Bishop is part of the punishment that goes along with repentance. The Bishop is actually your partner. He's on your side and wants you to succeed. Speaking as a former Bishop and a p0rn addict of more than 30 years....take care of this now before you have a lifetime of regrets. I am 862 days sober and am happier than I've ever been, and closer to my Heavenly Father than I have ever been. Start working the steps and doing your dailies. Attend a meeting as often as possible to start. Talk to your Bishop about counseling. Most of all, put your past in your for today and hope for tomorrow. Today is day one and it only gets better from here. Satan wants you to believe you are worthless and unlovable. Just like everyone here, you have a divine heritage and a Father in Heaven who loves it!"
posted at 19:36:52 on March 7, 2012 by chefdalet
Talking to the bishop was peaceful!    
"I'd just like to add my two cents about how scared I was to speak with my bishop. I've been struggling since the age of 12 and only now at the age of 18 did I gain the courage to go and confess to the bishop. In All honesty I did not know what to expect. I didnt know if he would say what a horrible person I was, I didnt know what the punishment was or anything. What I found when I walked through his door is the overwhelming comfort of the Holy Ghost and the Love that our Father in Heaven has for each and every one of his children. As I was talking with the bishop I felt this overwhelming sense of relief and comfort knowing that I had just done the right thing. The Bishop was very supportive as well! He only asked the questions that he needed to ask in order to help while still Respecting me and my privacy. His attitude was not one of anger or disappointment. It was one of Love and a willingness and desire to help me solve this!

I must admit after multiple (Wonderful) visits with my bishop I still am struggling even to this day. However it is much easier to say no now.

One thing I would suggest to anyone in any situation, If you feel its right for you, Get a priesthood blessing! I asked my bishop for one in one of the meetings and he was more than willing. And it helped immensely!"
posted at 04:11:46 on March 12, 2012 by jja1234
Wow i posted a lengthy reply    
"But it never showed up. That sucks.

@Dog, I tho k tour right. I'm avoiding everything that's spiritual, only because o feel guilty for my sin and in order to sooth that guilt I sin. A disgusting cycle. I will do my beat, I'm just trying to realize in my mind how I have to change.

@Anymos, its easy to say that. Who cares what others think and what not. Trust me, I dont care what others think, but it's not about that. I've always wanted to prepare and have that great experience as a missionary, but I do feel as tho I'm almost not Mormon. I dont necessarily do the bad stuff, but I definitely dont do the good,.am I going to be prepared personally?

@Maddy, very simple and sweet, thanks.

@ME, I understand that analogy of alma, although I dont deserve to be compared to him. ive seen the light, although it's dim now it was once very strong. Alma was always in darkness, what does it make me to have tasted the fruit bit continue to refuse it?

@chef I hope to be at that point soon. I'm trying to prepare myself.

@JJ No offense to anyone else, but it almost feels different coming from another teen. Its more understanding because of the young men's pressure and parents and all of that jazz. Did you have to tell your parents and siblings? I dont think my mom could handle it, she thinks I'm perfect."
posted at 05:30:08 on March 12, 2012 by moroni
"I'm 48 years old, and have been battling this most of my life. When I started recovery I told my wife of 25 years (almost lost her), my four sons and both sets of parents. Don't think that because we are older we don't understand. I would have given anything to be where you are at and have the opportunity to quit at your the steps...see your bishop. You da man Captain."
posted at 15:55:34 on March 12, 2012 by chefdalet
Like Alma?    

I don't know maybe you were thinking of Alma the elder, but I think ME was referring to Alma the younger and possibly Mosiah 28:4 which talks specifically about his cohorts in crime the sons of Mosiah and which calls them the “vilest of sinners”. He was one of the ringleaders so I am sure the title belongs to him as well. Alma was the son of the prophet, so I am sure he grew up attending church etc. and probably knew the gospel fairly well. In fact it was him recalling the preaching of his father that helped save him in the end. He probably had greater light and then sinned much worse than you have. He was a much more serious case than you are.

Your situation is definitely not hopeless. The Atonement heals completely and at your age all that you want to do mission etc. can happen. Work the 12 Steps. They make the Atonement effective in anyone's life regardless of what the issues are. There is “no habit, no addiction, no rebellion, no transgression, no offense exempted from the promise of complete forgiveness” Boyd K. Packer Ensign Nov 1995, 19

Try it you'll like it.

posted at 20:14:38 on March 13, 2012 by justjohn
Late Reply...    
"My apologies for my late reply. I don't get the chance to be on here as much since I'm limiting my time on the internet. In response to your question about whether or not I told my parents, No. I have not yet told them because I am in a similar situation to you. My parents are under the impression that I am the perfect child as well. Which I wish was true. However at this current point in time I feel I am the opposite. I Even switched from a home ward to a student ward so they wouldn't question why I am not partaking of the sacrament. However, In talking with my bishop I hinted that one day I would tell them when I felt it was the right time and he was very supportive of that. He never pressured me to tell anyone about it. So far the only person other than myself that knows about my addiction is the Bishop. In short, I don't think that you HAVE to tell them however if they will be a support and help strengthen you then I would suggest telling them. If nothing else it goes along with Making what was wrong right. In my opinion If i did not tell my parents I would not feel I have fully repented. That is my own two cents. My suggestion is do whatever you and your bishop feel you need to do in order to fully repent."
posted at 00:13:05 on March 15, 2012 by jja1234
Im still in High School    
"@Chef thanks, I wasn't trying to put down your wisdom. Its just for you the obvious choice is so obvious that sometimes you might forget what it's like to be in our shoes. But, you are right, it needs to happen. I'm just scared this my world will flip, not because of just me but other family. Its too much weight, I have no doubt I'll stop but the future seems bleak.

@JustJohn thanks for that, I can tell your a veteran on this site. I've read your past comments. Reading it again, my wording was confusing. What I meant was I was worthy and spiritual, where as Alma seemed to be sinning until the point where he became a great man. I have seen the blessings of the lord yet fell into darkness, why does that happen when alma never fell again after seeing the light. Maybe I haven't seen the light as strongly as Alma did. But I just hope I'm ready for a mission, I've decided with my brain but not with my heart.

@JJ So there's no way I can avoid this issue. I just dont believe my mom would help me at all. She gets worried very easily and is offended by thongs she shouldn't be. I guarantee you that she would think it's her fault i look at porn. And then there is another beast that might happen, somehow my mother will need to find out my step dad is addicted to porn. I just dont think telling them would be the best way, but i guess the bishop will guide me. I'm glad I'm on the right path. But, do you think i should tell my parents then?"
posted at 00:29:35 on March 15, 2012 by moroni
Even in my dimished capacity..    
"Please allow me to be the best servant of thy will.

I simply look up and say: "Lord, what do you want me to do today?"

Its only on these days that I am given opportunities to serve, and the best medicine is service. =)"
posted at 23:39:21 on March 15, 2012 by Anonymous

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"The solution to this problem ultimately is neither governmental nor institutional. Nor is it a question of legality. It is a matter of individual choice and commitment. Agency must be understood. The importance of the will in making crucial choices must be known. Then steps toward relief can follow."

— Russell M. Nelson