By anon16
12/27/2011 2:37:51 PM
Last night I binged on porn. First time in 8 months that I've done that. Ever since I've worked with my bishop, overall I have controlled myself, and skipped the "bad" parts. I think there was maybe 2 other times, and it was just very short, like 15 minute segments where I gave in and looked at the bad stuff.

This time, last night, it was 3 hours. And I looked at the bad stuff. No pictures, but words are bad enough. And to make it worse, I am a fast reader. I started looking again today, but didn't really look at anything bad - I'm satiated for a while, and had other stuff to do. I was also really tired. But now the temptation si there again.

For several months, I've not even really toed the water on reading this kind of stuff, aside from maybe 3 very short episodes where I came to my sense quickly.

I did not masturbate. It was tempting, but I resisted. But, it still aroused feelings, just reading that stuff. And it's stupid. And now I have more material in my head, to use whenever I want. I had issues getting to sleep, because it was replaying in my head. And it still is, to a degree today, but I am focusing on other stuff mostly.

My reasoning? I was really discouraged, because I made a HUGE effort on schoolwork that day. And I didn't do as well as I thought I would. My ego is being blown to pieces, as I am realizing that I suck at everything, because I've not made an effort for a looong time.

So I was discouraged, and it was like, "Hey, why don't you distract yourself." I'd already been listening to music, though not really bad stuff, just slightly suggestive, and I wrote 3 pgs in my journal, really venting, swearing, etc. And I didn't care. But I didn't masturbate. So I didn't cross that line. But I've been toying with the line anyway.

And of course, I'm meeting with my bishop tonight. And it's going to be a really fun conversation I'm sure, because I was rude to him last week, and swore in an email to him. I'm undecided if I'm going to tell him or not. Not that it'll make a lot of difference. But I'm sure he is really tired(as am I) of me constantly screwing up, and not making any progress.

I made a lot of progress yesterday, in other areas. But I completely screwed that up last night. Because now I have the temptation again to read porn. And I've not had that for months.

All because I majorly acted out. Something I never thought I'd do. And I could have said no. But I didn't want to. I was sick of feeling depressed(like this really helps) and needed a break. No mind power involved.

I'm really pissed off at myself. I can't believe I did that. And of course, it means that I spiral downwards. But I'm still not going to mb. At this point at least.


You can do it    
"Get up. Dust off. Try again. It is NOT too late to keep from spiraling further downwards. At this point, you can't change what has happened, but you can still control what you do today. And, from the "sports analogy" perspective, if you have been clean for the past 21 days, you are now 21-1. That's a great record. We are here for you, and we are on your team.

Your bishop is on your team, too. It is not you against him. You know that, right? Sometimes it sounds like you are trying to outsmart him or beat him or something. But it is you and him against the sin, and you are both 21-1.

Thanks for posting your true thoughts. It doesn't matter what happened last night. You are still a good person. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Keep going!"
posted at 14:55:09 on December 27, 2011 by beclean
My bishop    
"I really work at knowing that my bishop is on my team. But it is hard to remember. He has been very patient with me, and has never gotten upset at me visibly. Yet.

See, I'm under pressure to be done working with the bishop;and I have to get an endorsement from him in a couple of months. I really respect and admire my bishop, though.

But it is hard for me to remember the whole, "You're bishop is your friend." and etc. Some are, some are not. It really depends on the man. I just really don't want to disappoint him, and he is someone that I would really like to have respect for me. Right now he doesn't. And I deserve that, and realize that.

So, I guess the long answer to that is I do and I don't. I struggle with that, in general. Because in some ways this isn't real to me that I'm working with the bishop. When I was younger, I would have been appalled if someone told me that I'd be doing this, and working with my bishop, not taking the sacrament, etc."
posted at 15:51:37 on December 27, 2011 by anon16
Get back up    
"BECLEAN is right. All that matters is that you try again. You did a good job for a long time. You slipped. We all slip. We are climbing a slippery path. In fact, that is not a bad analogy. It's like climbing a muddy path up a huge hill. You climb for a ways, then you slip. Satan tries to get us to think that if we slip a little, we might as well go all the way down the hill. That's because he doesn't want us to ever get to the top. But in reality, the sooner we get out of the slide and start climbing again, the less ground we have lost in the climb. Don't slide all the way down. Don't think that just because you slipped that you have lost all of the progress you made. You haven't. The progress -- even if it is hard to see -- is that you chose to obey God over your own desires for a long time. So do it again. You can do it. Don't think about it as forever. Take it one day at a time -- one step up the hill at a time."
posted at 18:47:13 on December 27, 2011 by DH
hey, im moronirz    
"Well, I think every little thing you fight for helps you in the bog picture. Not masturbating, that makes you feel like you are missing out right now and frustrated but later, you will be so glad. Things can get better, they will."
posted at 16:03:33 on February 4, 2012 by Moroni
fantastic job    
"Hello my friend,

Maybe it is the good time to celebrate what you have accomplished because you should celebrate, the great work you have done during the last 8 month, slip can happen, learn from it, your brain need some adjustment but you are on the right direction, do what ever you can do and the lord will be with you and do all the rest,

Remember it's a long way and we have an addiction it will take time until the end,
I will pray for you

your friend from europe"
posted at 12:29:03 on February 6, 2012 by mike81
I agree    
"I agree with what has been said above. The really nice thing that I noticed is that this is an old post and the latest one from Anon16 was titled, "I'm doing good". This is a good chance to look back and see how things have changed over the last month. Day to day growth can be very discouraging, but if I look back over longer periods I feel hopeful."
posted at 12:47:13 on February 6, 2012 by justjohn
It's true.    
"I feel ya. It sucks slipping up, particularly when you don't feel very much in control. Right now, I keep telling myself that it's a process over a lifetime, not over a weekend. Good for you for not masturbating~ feel proud that even if it's frustrating, at least you're progressing. I slipped up today too and I really look up to you! You're doing good, I promise."
posted at 20:44:19 on February 6, 2012 by reform2012

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"My brethren who are caught in this addiction or troubled by this temptation, there is a way. Don’t accommodate any degree of temptation. Prevent sin and avoid having to deal with its inevitable destruction. So, turn it off! Look away! Avoid it at all costs. Direct your thoughts in wholesome paths. Please heed these warnings. Let us all improve our personal behavior and redouble our efforts to protect our loved ones and our environment from the onslaught of ography that threatens our spirituality, our marriages, and our children. "

— Dallin H. Oaks

General Conference, April 2005