depression venting
By bean bag
12/3/2006 6:42:00 PM
So, having been previously diagnosed with depression, and now going through the steps to help me deal with this addiction, as well as all the stresses that come with being part of a young married couple trying to raise 2 children, it's all kinda hitting me at the same time right now. Money issues, inadequacy as a husband, father, provider and overall person, deciding how to go through the moving process, having debts to struggle with, the weight of the difficulties that my wife and family are going through. My wife has also been diagnosed with depression and it seems as though lately it's getting worse. I know it's not seasonal affective disorder because she's gone through this during the summer months as well. It's hard being a spouse of someone with depression, it's also hard being in that same situation while tryilng to deal with your own depression. Then there's the problems with our son Zach. I believe I mentioned this in my first blog, but for those who don't know or if I didn't mention it, my son was born 3 months premature last october, he's a year old now, at least as far as how long it's been since he was born, but as far as his medical age, he's about 10 months old. The really hard part is, he has a 3rd age, that has to do with his developmental stages. As far as that age is concerned, my son is about 4 months old. He is still learning how to roll over and sit up, he has cerbral palsy, which makes things harder for him to do. Basically he has very limited control over the right side of his body. His right hand spends most of the time in a fist with his thumb inside. Zach has a hard time opening his hand. We have a special glove that keeps his hand open, and forces his thumb to stay out. He also has what is known as cortical vision impairment, basically, his eyes have no trouble seeing, but because of the brain bleeds he suffered from birth, his brain has a hard time processing the information that his eyes are sending to it. The way the doctors described it, and the easiest way to explain it to people is, it's a lot like looking through a piece of swiss cheese. As you move it back and forth, you can occasionally see things, but there are still a lot of places that you can't see through. We are working with vision therapists to try to widen the holes in his vision, but it's gonna take some time. There are so many different things that are frusterating about Zachs situation. On tuesday, we are going to meet with some specialists about getting a wheelchair and some other equipment. We don't think Zach will be in a wheelchair the whole time, but it will definitely be used for when he goes places like school or whatever. We also have our 2 year old daughter Emily, she's so cute and smart and wonderful, but she is still a 2 year old, and that's a lot of stress to deal with. Sometimes I wish that I could just put everything on pause for a while and just do nothing. No more responsability, no more feeling like a complete waste of peoples time, no more wishing that I wasn't so messed up. No more arguing with my wife, no more feeling like I'm screwing up peoples lives. No more stressing about money, and no more feeling like nobody trusts my wife and I to make the right decisions about life. Even though we do pray about most of our decisions. No more being depressed about being overweight, no more struggling with pornography and masturbation, no more being that person that focuses on the negative so much that I can't seem to help it. I just want to hit the reset button. I know it's not possible, but I still kind of wish I could just start over. Well, that's enough for now, I gotta get ready for the meeting tonight. Hopefully it will lift my spirits, it usually does.


Hang in there!    
"Hang in there buddy! I often times feel I'm in the same boat as you; although it sounds like you really have a hard challenge when you add in the depression issues and the challenge with your son.

I have noticed quite a few people who struggle with porn addiction also have money and debt problems. I am one of them. I have been burried in debt for the last couple of years and have been in and out of several "careers". It's been unbelievably stressful. The sad thing is that it only feeds my addiction. I'd get depressed about money and then look at porn and masturbate to escape the pain. Then the pain of debt would only be followed by the pain and guilt of sinning. It's a vicious cycle.

I see the same thing with overeating too. A lot of porn addicts also overeat. My vicous cycle was actually threefold. I would feel depressed about money or whatever, then I'd act out with porn, and then I'd go eat junk food to make myself feel better about both of them! LOL! What a joke huh? Well, at least we know we are not alone and we now have the tools to change."
posted at 19:28:53 on December 3, 2006 by dan
It will be okay    
"the lord holds our your little family in the palm of his hand. He will help you through this."
posted at 20:01:24 on December 3, 2006 by Jenn
"I am really having a hard day. This addiction is killing me."
posted at 14:44:08 on December 11, 2006 by Anonymous
Hang in there...    
"It makes me so sad that this addiction has to be so horrible for so many people.

The only thing that helps me when I am really having a bad day is to pray. Let Heavenly Father take some of the burden."
posted at 15:30:34 on December 11, 2006 by sophie
I needed that    
"thanks, you have no idea how much I needed someone to respond, to help."
posted at 15:38:49 on December 11, 2006 by Anonymous

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"The solution to this problem ultimately is neither governmental nor institutional. Nor is it a question of legality. It is a matter of individual choice and commitment. Agency must be understood. The importance of the will in making crucial choices must be known. Then steps toward relief can follow."

— Russell M. Nelson