By momof5
10/6/2011 12:31:18 AM
I need to come to this place for me and for my marriage if it is to survive. Also I feel toxic. I want the anger, hate, bitterness, everything out of my heart. I want to look at my husband in a loving way again. If I can't get to the point of forgiveness my family will be destroyed. I need help anyone?

For all those wives that forgave and their marriage is working please tell me how come you are so much stronger than me. Why can't I just let it go and forgive. I have never felt this way and it is eating me up inside and out. I miss the old me, the one before I discovered that my husband had been lying to me our whole married life. I wonder if I can ever feel truly happy in a marriage that has never been good.

It has been rough from day one how come I didn't realize it was porn?

And if only I would have discovered it sooner I would have had a husband actually present for at least one of my pregnancies.

I have to mourn the loss of so much it sometimes makes me wonder is it worth it to fight for this marriage and my family, I just don't feel strong enough tonight. The tears won't stop and my heart is shattered in a million little pieces. I don't think my heart will ever be the same:(


Come unto Jesus    
"I hope you'll forgive me as I'm not a wife needing to forgive, but I believe with all my heart that the answer is the same for anger and inability to love and fix a relationship as it is for any addiction or behavior.

The answer is to focus on Jesus. Build your relationship with Him. Let Him show you how much he loves you.

When I am wrapped in the love of my Savior everything else starts to sort itself out. Perhaps He will then help you see and understand how He views your husband: with pure and infinite love. A bonus that will come from this is that it is the best way you can help your husband because the Spirit of the Lord will then direct your words and actions and even the feeling in your home.

Focus on coming to Christ. Don't take your eyes off of him (I think of Peter walking on the water.) Plead with Him and with the Father in His name to soften your heart. Feelings of forgiveness will come into your heart in time, and probably sooner than later. My experience is that these feelings can (and often do) change rather quickly.

I sure hope this helps. God bless you."
posted at 07:31:06 on October 6, 2011 by sheldon_h
I feel the same    
"MOMOF5, I feel the same way. I've been so devastated to not have what I thought I "deserved." I still feel that way, but some days I have a clearer understanding of the big picture Heavenly Father has for me.

Basically, Sheldon is right. We need to submit to the will of the Father. I'm posting a scripture I ran across that just hit me so well.

D&C 70:15-18 (but all is good)

If Heavenly Father is telling us to stay, we will be blessed. We will be given strength. "Behold, I, the Lord, am amerciful and will bless them, and they shall enter into the joy of these things. Even so. Amen."

I don't see much joy now, but I've seen the joy some other women have had from this. Perhaps I won't feel that as much until many years or even until heaven. But, for today, that scripture helped me see a bit of the "light at the end of the tunnel."

I truly can totally relate to every word you have said. Mourning is normal and right. It's how much we get sidetracked is what we need to watch. Identify the feelings, give them attention and observation, then give them to Heavenly Father. If you are like me, you will give it to Heavenly Father over and over. But each time seems to be a *little* easier to give up to Him."
posted at 10:25:36 on October 6, 2011 by confidence
It takes time    
"Just like physical wounds do, and this is a big one. It also doesn't help if the wound is continually ripped open by his actions. I don't know if that's the case.

What I do know is that atonement can heal absolutely every wound, but not immediately. Sometimes all we can do is become willing to forgive. Trying to skip the pain and rush right to forgiveness won't work, at least it didn't for me.

I understand something about the feelings you're talking about. I remember feeling like someone had taken black ink and thrown it all over my memories. I felt broken inside, as if his actions had somehow tainted me.

What helped? Turning to the Savior, time, working the twelve steps, time, talking with my bishop and a counselor, time, helping others, time...
I wish there was a quicker way, but I don't know one.

Three years later, I feel peace and joy again. I made the decision to stay because my husband did the work to overcome his addictions and build a true partnership between us for the first time. It feels good to love him again, not that I never have fears or doubts, but he has worked hard not to give me reasons to fear or doubt. Still, I know if my husband had made other choices, I would be ok. The Lord would have supported me in that too.

Oh, I hope this helps somehow. I know I am not stronger than you, and you are stronger than you know.

You're afraid your heart may never be the same. It may not be. It might be stronger, more sensitive to the pain of others, seen and unseen, and more completely turned to the Lord than it was before."
posted at 18:17:24 on October 6, 2011 by Anonymous
i'll share a small piece    
"i made a joke in priesthood that got wasted + realized i probably shouldnt have said it. we were talking about milestones in mens lives, for example, 19, mission; college, marriage, temple,....etc etc, and we got to the 30's + i blurted out, ""ya, your first divorce"".......dead silence....oops, probably shouldnt have said that. there goes my adhd...i guess i said it as a joke, and a cut on me, as i felt like a loser next to all these guys that are married. im in like a young married college my sarcasm + cynical mind they probably dont get.

i tell you this because, there came a point when i realized what i had done to my former spouse,and that piece of info wasnt fun to see or funny. it cut deep + i felt extremely accountable. Like the fury pits of hell swarming around a really bad rated R movie. I don't wish what I've been thru on anyone, I really don't, but I do hope some men come to realize what they have done to hurt their spouses.

Of all the sins I have committed, I believe the breaking her heart to be the worst one, cause that you totally can't take back, you can't fix it. You can't buy a new I have to forgive myself, be nice now, and move forward. And rely on the merits of christ + that he'll work the other parts out that I cannot do, cuz I am not a god.

I believe in healing. I believe people can change. I believe that it can work. WE ALL JUST WANT TO BE LOVED, and is that so dann hard to do? It that just too much to ask?

So, I'll wait on the Lord, he'll show me. He'll show me one day. That's where my faith started."
posted at 23:58:01 on October 9, 2011 by skyteamst90
"For me forgiveness was beyond my capabilities. I desired to forgive, and lIke having a desire for faith a willingness to believe, having a desire to forgive was all I could muster. I turned to my Savior and expressed this desire of my heart. I told Him that I wanted to forgive but my mortal capabilities were lacking. I needed Him to help me. And little by little as I sought to feel the forgiveness and continued to rely on my Savior it came. FORGIVENESS IS A GIFT YOU GIVE YOURSELF. Giftwrapped by the Savior.

Trust on the other hand for me is the more painful element lacking as we heal. We cannot give trust, it has to be earned.

Momof5 what you have expressed as your feelings are normal for what you are dealing with. What you described i and every spouse who has had to slay this dragon in their marriage has felt the exact same way. I tell you this not to minimize your experience, but to give you hope that you too will be able to, not be the same, but more amazing because you have concured this obstacle. I pray you find the support you need to help you in your journey of recovery.

Love and prayers,"
posted at 02:07:35 on October 10, 2011 by Hero
"'To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.'-- Not sure who wrote that but it is so so true!!

I know how you feel. Everything you say makes so much sense to me. This situation feels so hopeless at times. I too have focused a lot of my thoughts and energy into forgiveness.

I have forgiven my husband. It happened a while back. A huge burden was lifted off of me…I could feel relief. But when that happened it did not “solve” our problem. I wanted everything…trust/love/comfort in my situation/forgiveness, I wanted it all. I wanted to be released from my PTSD, I wanted my horrible memories erased. But what I was given was the gift to no longer be angry at the man that caused me my pain…but more importantly the man I love. I had a few months of this forgiveness burden being gone, before I shared this with him. I wanted to be certain that I was no longer mad at him, before I gave forgiveness to him. When I told him…he told me he didn’t believe me. He said my lack of trust and lack of love for him (at the time), tell him he was not forgiven by me. That’s when I realized forgiving him was for me, NOT for him. I was thinking I was giving him this wonderful gift, but in reality it was a gift for me. I don’t know if my PTSD or trust will ever be completely whole…but I do know that forgiveness has made my situation more bearable on me. Forgiveness is a beautiful thing…it is for you. I still have super sad moments (brought on by a memory being triggered in me) when I mourn what was taken from me. But the man in my life I have only love for.

I guess what I’m saying is make sure you separate forgiveness from things like trust. I truly believe that it will come for you if you are searching for it. And from the sounds of it you are searching. Just because others have forgiven doesn’t mean they are stronger than you. It is a process, a big and hard one. You can do this!

Here is a link to an old post of mine about forgiveness and my struggle with it. Hang in there…you will get there.

Oh and just FYI…I look at my husband “in a loving way again”. It is possible, it took a lot of time but it happened. :) Keep your head up!"
posted at 17:39:03 on October 10, 2011 by summer

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"My spiritual prescription includes six choices which I shall list alphabetically, A through F:
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    — Russell M. Nelson

    General Conference, October 1988