By momof5
9/29/2011 9:28:24 AM
So my boundary is in place! He left again so I am packing his bags today and putting all his stuff in the garage. Now I need to change all the locks! The sad thing is he doesn't really care:( He said he would rather live on his own anyway. When he leaves for days at a time he never even calls to check on his five sad kids. And the thing is I know now that I cannot control his actions with himself pertaining to porn and MB, and our marriage which he wants out anyway, and our children's lives. I just never thought I would be in this situation. I now have to try to figure out finances and try to keep our children as happy as I can given the situation. The problem is in a few days after he has come back to this world. He wants to apologize and everything to be back to normal. The problem is I don't know whether it is the porn or mental illness (adhd, mood disorder, etc.)? I keep praying and it seems answers never come and my situation just keeps getting worse:( When does it get better?????????


My prayers are with you..    
"this must be really frustrating. You will survive and thrive.

Here's what I've learned

1. Somehow you need to be able to be happy independent of his crazyness.

2. I dont know if it matters why he does it -- if it's addiction, mood or whatever. your boundaries are your boundaries for providing a happy life for you and kids.

3. It might not ever get better. that's why you have boundaries so that you get to have a place of sancturary and peace during his craziness. You can be happy as hard as it sounds. This is a huge trial but you can do it. We all have faith in you."
posted at 10:23:59 on September 29, 2011 by Anonymous
So brave    
"I know that this is devastating and I can hear the pain in your post, but there is also a strength there that is growing more and more from your first posts.

I do not know if your husband will change (or mine for that matter) but I do see that you are changing and I think it is for the positive. I want to support you and encourage you to keep to your boundaries. You are stepping outside of the insanity. You are building a fortress that says "Addiction not allowed". I know that you would welcome him back in, but he'll have to leave the illness at the doorstep.

This is the definition of courage. You are so strong."
posted at 11:53:03 on September 29, 2011 by maddy
"I don't really know if it is from the addiction of illness but when is enough, enough? I have prayed for two years now ever since I found out both about the addiction and realized how bad his mental illness was. Will my kids be better off in this crazyness with a Dad who leaves every week or with a single mom who has to work all the time??? :( I wish I could get confirmation from my heavenly father about what I am supposed to do! I don't know if I can put up with this much longer:("
posted at 12:53:00 on September 29, 2011 by MOMOF5
My prayers are with you    
"and your beautiful children. You have to be so strong and you are and are learning to be. I can only imagine how it must be. There was a time when I felt like it was the end. I saw no solution and could not see any doors or windows out of the mess. What really helped me was to detach! Detaching from his crazyness, from him as well. Detaching from my own pain. Living in the moment. Living for the kids. Making a plan to take care of myself & of the kids. Learning to wait. Give it all to the Lord. He is standing by you and loves you, he knows you and your kids. And you and them will survive this and will live on. There is happiness for you in the future, there is peace for you. Now you are in the eye of the storm. You set a boundary and you feel it is the right thing to do. It is requiring so much out of you. Stick by it. Give it to the Lord. Call someone from the support group. Get help and support.
I wish we were all there to help you through this, to hold you and help you with the kids.
you are in my prayers. And I pray that you feel the strenght of your Saviour's love sutaining you.

posted at 21:09:20 on September 29, 2011 by crushed
My .02    
"I believe that SA is an illness of its own. That is why sobriety means a return to sanity.

I know Heavenly Father is guiding you, even if you don't hear specific instructions. Do not be afraid. Fear is the opposite of faith and don't be afraid of money, or jobs, or how to make ends meet, or if the kids will turn out all right...I know that is almost impossible not to do. But just do what is right and God will carry the rest. Stand your ground that addiction and all it's ugly associated behaviors are not allowed in your life. That is righteous ground. Stay there and you'll be safe."
posted at 22:09:17 on September 29, 2011 by maddy
The difference between 1st and 2nd Nephi    
"In first Nephi, Nephi became very Lamen and Lemuel focused. It was hard not to do because they displayed addict behavior constantly. Even seeing an Angel didn't mean much in the long run to those wayward brothers. I kinda felt sorry for Nephi and Sam because they were always being tormented by their brothers. None the less Nephi prayed and the Lord required him to stick with them, and so he prayerfully did so. I believe one reason was to give them the opportunity to truly repent. But something happens in 2nd Nephi when he stops focusing on his disobedient brothers, and shifts his focus onto his God and Savior, Jesus Christ. That is when beautiful words are written and miracles happen. Yes, there was a time when the Lord said "just stick it out litte Nephi", " You can do this", right? But then there came a time when the Lord says, " It's okay to let go now", "It's time to move forward and trust me". "I've got this one". And so he did.

I see you like Nephi in a way. You are a great woman and Daughter of God who it trying to follow the Lord and lead he family in truth and righteousness. Please keep looking to the Lord without an agenda. He will lead you. Will he require you to let go of your wayward husband?, I wish I knew, but he would not ask that of you if he were not going to transform your life into something you could never imagine.

I think your boundaries are appropriate and it takes so much courage to do what you are now doing. Stay soooo close to the Lord all the day long because the adversary will try to trick you into doing the opposite of whatever the Lord expects of you. You must be at the top of your game. You do not need to be strong, you need to give your fear to the Savior and he will be your strength. Your children may will be sad for a time, that is okay, it is called real life. God gave us more that one emotion and feeling for a reason. Fell what is natural and allow your children to do the same. Teach your children that yes, this is hard and sad and mom crieds and hurts. But also teach them that you know that Heavenly Father has a plan and he will help you and them get through it all. Listen to your children because I have found them to answer many of my prayers through their innocent words and actions.

Lastly, Let your husband fall. He has bee playing this game for years because it works for him as he has not yet run into himself. Until he has to face what he has done and face the consequences of his actions, he will not even begin to know his very own Savior. As long as you are his Savior, he will never find the true and living Christ. The very one you are coming to know now more than ever.

Hold fast sister, help is on the way. I know because I am praying for it and I also put you on the Temple prayer roll yesterday.

Love to you,

posted at 10:27:08 on September 30, 2011 by angelmom
"You are so awesome."
posted at 11:44:52 on September 30, 2011 by maddy
(((HUGS and PRAYERS)))    
"This is such a scary place to be - where you KEEP your boundaries. I had to do this a couple weeks ago when my husband said he was gone - he'd really packed his bags - and was ready to be gone forever. He said he'd looked up how to get a quick divorce, saying, "I just want the car, you can have everything else."

Instead of rescuing and trying to stop him from leaving, I kept my boundaries. This was not a type of marriage I was ok with. Well, he saw my strength, got more angry, but I held to my boundaries. It was actually very relieving to realize I wasn't going to live in fear w/ what/how/etc was going on with him. I gave that "power" to God.

Another thing that helped me was to ask for Angels to take care of my kids, me, & my husband. It's relieving to give that to the Lord as well. He knows best.

So many hugs and prayers! I'm thinking of you in this hard time. Remember to stand to your boundaries that fit with your morals and beliefs of what makes a healthy approach to marriage. Get back with us too! :)"
posted at 13:01:01 on September 30, 2011 by confidence
"I don't think you can blame his behavior on ADHD, well you can, I just don't think that is the reason."
posted at 01:47:51 on October 1, 2011 by blindman

Add a Comment:

***Anonymous User***     (login above to post UN-anonymously)

"I will speak briefly of the principle of repentance. How grateful I am for the understanding we have of this great principle. It is not a harsh principle, as I thought when I was a boy. It is kind and merciful. The Hebrew root of the word means, simply, "to turn," or to return, to God. Jehovah pled with the children of Israel: "Return . . . and I will not cause mine anger to fall upon you: for I am merciful . . . and I will not keep anger for ever. Only acknowledge thine iniquity, that thou hast transgressed against the Lord thy God." When we acknowledge our sins, confess them and forsake them, and turn to God, He will forgive us."

— Richard G. Hinckley

General Conference April 2006