my thot what do u think
By skyteamst90
9/29/2011 1:14:30 AM
So I am feeling down. I guess that's the bonus package I get to deal with having depression + all my other issues. I still prayed + read scriptures, which I don't think really does any good. Maybe it helps me hold to the rod, but not being a member, I'm still screwed + don't get the 'constant gift of holy ghost' if even if I ever had it I don't know, even when I was a member.

So I came upon this verse + just throwing it out there. So if I liken it to myself (2 nephi 6:5) then maybe eventually something will happen...

2 nephi 6:11
"Wherefore after they are driven to and fro, for thus saith the angel, many shall be afflicted in the flesh and shall not be suffered to perish, because of the prayers of the faithful; they shall be scattered, and smitten, and hated, nevertheless, the Lord will be merciful unto them, that when they come to the knowledge of their redeemer, they shall be gathered together again to the lands of their inheritance"

I think this has happened to me. I have had many jobs in life, and tons of instability, divorce, child support (65% of income), moved many times, on + on......

Can anyone say depression + mental illness?
Or just how about the lack of love if feel + know?

(1) I tried to kill myself once, but there was a kid that stopped me + quote on quote, saved me. (2) And I have prayed to die. Just kill me now. Its not worth it to me to live...but I'm still here.

Ok which one of you punks on this site is praying for me??? <---sarcastic joke...Maybe its you, or how about you? or someone at my church, or family member,although my childhood family isnt so good, my family doesn't talk to me. I have 3 siblings + they don't talk to me, + neither do my parents. maybe is my kids??? Wierd, crazy, who knows? I don't. But probably someone out there said something in a prayer + and blam, I'm still here...

SCATTERED is the thought as above, moving + that include my current situation? Would that include everything that sucks in life right now? Coming from the Lord? Consequences for my actions? Probably a little of all those I think.

AND HATED...2 thoughts...(1) I have like 2 friends, and my cousin really doesn't count. I'll put it like this, when I'm depressed, in the zone *hint hint* (depression -or- mb). I don't have anyone I can call...I have no safety net outside of my therapist + this kid at church. He says I can call, + its not like I want to call 911 or the veterans suicide hot line, cuz then they send cops there anyways, + they take you down to the hospital. But you're not hating you're life now, it changes + now you're pissed you're being held at the hospital really he wants that call?!?!? That 1am phone call cause my brain goes to 99% processing your computer, when your programs don't work + it freezes up???...(2) HATE (cont); how about, HATING I even need to comment on this people?

Ok whew, long sentence in scripture. Ok I'll break this part down, NEVERTHELESS, what does that mean??? like ok, even though all this bad stuff happens....THE LORD WILL BE who? UNTO THEM...oh me..THAT WHEN THEY SHALL COME TO tHE KNOWLEDGE OF THEIR coming to a knowledge would be a good step in this process, yes? I am coming to know as John 3:16 tells us....this hasn't happend to this little soldier yet...I haven't been able to believe in Jesus yet.......then THEY SHALL BE GAtHERED TOGETHER AGAIN TO THEIR LAnDS OF would this mean paradise after dead? Does this mean my land of inheritance in heaven? What would I get exactly? Couple acres or couple square feet. Like the degrees of glory??? Does this mean the actual land in middle east, that my tribe, or who ever I belong to cause I don't know. I never got a patrical blessing, some hopefully I'm not like gonso + from another planet....
Sufficient to say, after all this the Lord will be merciful + israel receives land of inheritance

Thought, critizim, good bad ugly



X'd too    
"...and I feel similar.

Sometimes I just wish the church didn't exist. It's a place full of pain and failure that I wish I could just jettison from my memory. My faith has failed me so hard that even scripture that should give me hope just fill me with cynicism and resentment. "Knowledge of my Redeemer"?..pff that'll be the day.

I don't know this excommunication thing has just fu'd with my brain. Caused me to just wallow in all scattering, smitting, hating, affliction, driven to and fro, etc etc etc that got me to the piont of excommunication. Sucks. I don't know why though?? I always knew it was coming and nothing is really different then before save now I went threw a formal process which in itself didn't offend me in the slightest. But I think I just took it all and brewed up the biggest vat of toxic shame I could brew with it. I guess that's why I hate the church right now. It's to easy for me to interpret my church experience shamefully. I feel like Jesus camped himself right in there with Mrs. Boozinbark and every other adult from childhood that shamed me, hated me, rejected me, and abandon me. I remember thinking as I thought it all over..."not You too..! No no no. You were the One refuge...and you're just like everyone else." The only reason He opened unto me after I had "knocked" with a sledge hammer was to tell me to get off His property. Yes I have a choice in how I see it but a positive out look isn't happening right now.

Maybe I'm just depressed. I got in a motor cycle accident in May and haven't been much able to be active at all since which is always a recipe for mad darkness and depression for me. I don't know I just feel so empty.

Its kind of dick of me to think but your depression and misery makes me feel better. You're a solid cat. Even if you don't think so. This is the most I've been able to express my feelings about it all on paper and I appreciate you writing and helping bring that out for me. Even though my comment I'm sure helps you little."
posted at 11:42:32 on September 29, 2011 by They speak
I was excommunicated too.    
"I was excommunicated too, Sky, and totally empathize with your emptiness and shame. I had been inactive for over 10 years and spend that whole time in the clutches of Satan. It was right after my divorce in 99 that I just turned my back on the Lord and His church. It wasnt until I got out of prison last year that I went to my stake president and got the ball rolling that led to my inevitable excommunication. I knew in my heart it would happen and was about as ready for it as I could have been, having had my father ex'd as well and telling me about his experience without having the Spirit guiding him anymore.
I wish I knew what to tell you that would leave you feeling better about your being ex'd. I can say that everything that you spoke of in your blog of being led to and fro by the devil is how it went with me. I did learn though, that its all in the past. It took me going to prison to truly learn that the only Person I needed at that time was the only Person who would never leave my side. I heard a saying in a book by a nonmember preacher that you never realize that God is all you need until God is all you have. He is ALL I had while in prison and that is the best single thing in my life that strengthened my testimony. I knew when I got out that I would have to be ex'd and I totally accepted responsibility for all my actions the led me to that point. Now I can move on and know that I may not be perfect, but neither is anybody else, save our Lord and Savior. Thats ok. I have prayed and prayed for Him to take away the horrible desires I had for teen girls and for porn that got me into trouble, and although He didnt take them away, He DID lesson my urges for them a little more with each passing day. Hang in there and dont EVER give up Sky. I havent been rebaptized yet and am looking forward to that day more than I can ever describe. I know it will happen even though I still have days where I relapse a bit back into P again, but I am 100% positive that through the Atonement I can and will be forgiven and have found that each mistake I make I learn a little more from it and am a bit stronger the next time. It pains me soooo much each sunday when my wife and kids take the sacrament and I have to just pass it on, or when I cant get up and bear my testimony or even pray in priesthood or sunday school. I took the Holy Spirit for granted all my life until the time that I didnt have it anymore and then I realized how important it is to me. I appreciate all your words and also those of They Speak, I totally feel for you both and understand how you feel. That is what is sooo wonderful about this site. I can talk to people going thru very nearly the same as me. I havent found anyone yet who went so far as I did and doing things that sent me to prison.
I truly hope I can be of some kind of help to those struggling with P and MB and maybe even help somebody avoid prison. I can totally testify that the more you view P the more you drop your guard and before you realize it your desires and urges are for things you never dreamed they would be of.
Please, ANYBODY who wants to know more or learn how far they could go if gone unchecked, let me know. I am very anxious to help others and to learn more about myself each day. May the Lord be with you all, always."
posted at 15:50:52 on September 29, 2011 by hansenrick88
thanks for your comments    
"thanks for sharing those comments. i appreciate it. nice
i think u guys will both make it. that above a scripture illudes to it why + how. my thoughts in my mind are forming as to how it will work out. i almost have it figuredout......taken lots of time

posted at 00:04:31 on October 3, 2011 by skyteamst90

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"Each one who resolves to climb that steep road to recovery must gird up for the fight of a lifetime. But a lifetime is a prize well worth the price. This challenge uniquely involves the will, and the will can prevail. Healing doesn’t come after the first dose of any medicine. So the prescription must be followed firmly, bearing in mind that it often takes as long to recover as it did to become ill. But if made consistently and persistently, correct choices can cure. "

— Russell M. Nelson

General Conference, October 1988