why?!?!?! just why?
By taintedlove
9/4/2011 5:21:44 PM
Im going crazy. Im really wanting "it" right now. I want the control. The dominance. Then part of me wanta to be held. But thats not me. I hate affection.
I freaking cried in arp thursday. We were on lesson 3 i think. After we read we talked. Somehow it came out that i cant pray. I cant feel. And in the end i cried. I ran out. I lost control. I hurt.

The 2 people who i would retake my control with are no longer at my convienience. Its taking all my will not to prowl or to call others. My number is at 22 i think. This need sickens me.

Im loosing thus battle. Im loosing myself. Im used to be hardened. I shouldnt want affection more than lust. Its confusing. It hurts.

Another thing. I gained alot of weight to prevent my addiction. I used to be really in shape and semi pretty and now rather than prevent it...... i am ugly and still giving in. I really hate myself.



Past feeling    
"Learning to live with, control, and understand our emotions is a difficult process. In many cases it is seemingly less painful to simply bury those emotions rather than face them. But living a life with buried emotions is not really living. Wanting affection is normal, we all want it. Being hardened, past feeling, or numb are just ways of floating through life without facing those emotions.

Buried emotions are similar to getting a root canal at the dentist. The tooth hurts a lot, without going to the dentist it will just get worse, it won't go away on its own. You go to the dentist, he performs the root canal, and now your tooth hurts even worse! However, soon the pain begins to fade. You realize that you had forgotten what it was like to live without the pain and how good it feels. It is the same with Christ's atonement. The only requirement is that in order to do it correctly you have to do it on His terms, which means turning over everything to Him. In return He gives you peace of mind, true joy, love for self and others, and a healed soul. It is not a simple event, repentance is a process, even a way of life, or a change of how you are living your life. He never said that it would be easy, only that it would be worth it. If what you are going through is what will ensure your place in His kingdom will you be more inclined to change?

It sounds like you may have some unresolved issues stemming from poor relationships in your past. This is just a guess based on what you have posted so I may be wrong with the specific issue, but there is something there that is directly causing what you are going through right now.

You are a good person who deserves to be loved. It is important that you are able to love yourself first, because love from anywhere else cannot compensate for a lack of self love. When God sees you He does not see your mistakes, your trials, or your fears; He sees you as His child with a potential for greatness. You have that potential still. The lessons that you are meant to learn from these trials are difficult, but they are exactly what you need in order to come to Him. Don't keep Him out of your life anymore, that only alienates you from your strongest source of power, joy, and peace. Let Christ heal you, but He cannot if you will not let Him.

If you are unhappy with the way things are going then you need to try something different and yes, at times it is going to hurt.

You can pray. There is nothing you can do that would make God not want to hear from you. God is not looking to condemn, blame, shame, or belittle you. He has nothing but love for you. He does worry that you may be lost to Him, but He is waiting with open arms for you to come back to Him.

Go with God and may you find peace."
posted at 18:50:00 on September 4, 2011 by blindman
Confidence- You've been remade    
posted at 13:48:52 on September 5, 2011 by Anonymous
"you have my support. i know life sucks alot sometimes...bad weather does come. hang in there though, clear skies + good times come. i know that at least happends.

i've committed to not totally blab my opinions here because i dont know if i could add anything better. i am just me, and i am just another guy going thru this. but if i could share just one thing.....instead of saying..."i am ugly".....repeat the words to yourself "i am a child of god"....try that a few times...note the internal thoughts you have at the time + you will see some of your core beliefs about yourself that u may had, which you think are true but they are not."
posted at 01:08:01 on September 6, 2011 by skyteamst90
You are not tainted, you are wounded,    
"and if you cried, it's because you felt something deeply. Though I don't know you, it hurts me when you speak negatively of yourself. It shows that you don't have a true understanding of yourself as a person and as a daughter of our Heavenly Father. I know that you have much to give, but you've been so severely wounded so deeply and so many times by so many people that you begin to blame the victim -- yourself.

The root of your addiction is your depression and your agony, your moment to moment torment and your terror (and your PTSD, which I'm fairly certain you have) which are the result of how poorly you've been treated and how you've responded to that treatment by others. The same is true of me and of many others who read and blog here. So we're just like everyone else. And once we understand the roots of our problems and then fill the voids and medicate the terrors and agonies inside us with the Light and Love of Christ (instead of masturbation, sex, porn, drugs, etc.), we will "lose the disposition to do evil and have only the disposition to do good" (see Mosiah 5:2).

On that long and difficult road to recovery, which will likely have many slip ups and relapses, we will learn to forgive others as well as ourselves. We will learn not to be haughty, arrogant, proud and accusatory, but rather we will learn to be meek, humble, gentle, kind, and forgiving.

All of us are worthy enough to help an elderly woman with her yard work, to put food out for the birds, to send a care package to soldiers overseas, to help a child in need, or to submit someone's name for temple work. All of us are worthy enough to volunteer for community service or to prepare meals for the homeless. You can even use some ingenuity in serving others -- think of some ways to serve that might not fit the traditional mode of service (like taking a pet to a nursing home -- but get permission first).

And all of us are worthy enough to take care of our bodies. to run and to exercise daily, to improve our fitness and physiques, and to floss every night. We don't have to commit slow suicide by "letting ourselves go."

You (and I, and many others) need one good therapist and one good friend (maybe a bishop) plus a number of good acquaintances to help us through our storms. We need to stop thinking lowly of ourselves, which is just another way of blaming the victim.

So let's stop being victims and start being winners. The way to start is through positive action. Read the scriptures every day for 20-60 minutes. Speak with the Lord in private prayer morning and night. Pray for a good friend to help you, pray that the bishop will be inspired in his counseling with you, and look for the good in others and in yourself. Prayerfully seek a good therapist to help you understand the roots of your addiction and to help you get to a place where you can heal and be well. And remember that you have your own personal cheering section right here.

So stop beating yourself to death (I say this as one who hated himself for decades, and I have learned that self hatred yields no good results). I think that the first thing you should do is change your handle from "Taintedlove" to "Angel love", or something positive like that. And never give up on yourself, no matter how many times you might relapse or slip up. If you do that, you will one day feel the touch of the Master's hand in your heart, and your life will change forever for the better, much better.

P.S. Get a copy of Elder Boyd K. Packer's "Bright Morning of Forgiveness" talk (I think you can find it online) and read it frequently, and ponder its contents and its meanings and implications daily. Let the Spirit touch your heart and begin to mend your soul."
posted at 22:04:02 on September 7, 2011 by ddg
Every word    
"I love every word that DDG just said. I want to read it again and again. Wow. Just wow."
posted at 23:02:59 on September 7, 2011 by maddy
The Spirit    
"Before you blogged about not feeling the spirit. If you do not even like or want, or previously even could feel affection then how could you feel the spirit? the spirit IS one type of affection. It is God's affection and the fact that you are feeling some now and not feeling just lust shows that you are WINNING this battle!!! As far as feeling the spirit is concerned, when you have sinned as much as you have sometimes it takes a long long time of doing the right thing without messing up before God will give you the spirit back again. My entire family has struggled with sexual addiction and we have all been where you are. I went for a very long time in my life without feeling the spirit. ANd once I repented I went for a really really long time before I felt any strong manifestations. Now I have the spirit as a constant companion and he guides me every day, but getting to this point took a long time. I am no longer having sex with people, but I do still masturbate and its really hard for me when it happens. But I know that God will heal me. These things just take time."
posted at 02:10:59 on September 14, 2011 by Porojukaha
Your number    
"Forget your number dear. It is not important how many people you have had sex with. Forget it. My father was married in the temple and then cheated on his wife. He was excomunicated and has since had sex with a LOT of women before he repented. Beyond just the sex he started dealing cocaine and went to jail for three years. After he got out he spent over 40 years of having sex at least once a day juggling at least 5 girlfriends at a time, who were constantly changing. The most I have ever seen him juggle at one time is 1 wife and 6 other women. Hes been married and divorced 6 times and he has 12 children. Hes probably had sex with over 100 people. His oldest child is 40 and his youngest is 5. A year and a half ago while I was on my mission he repented. I just baptized him 2 months ago. It was wonderful!! He is 100% clean. I have absolutely no idea how he did it because I went on a mission and I still struggle with masturbation. But my dad is like that, when he decides that he is going to do something it is done, there are no questions, no giving in. In a fight one time he got stabbed in the stomach and still won the fight with his bare hands. I do know that he reads 2 chapters in the scriptures every single day without fail and that I hate it when he prays at meals because it takes FOREVER!! But its not like some prideful long windedness. Its sincere and every single word of his prayer is sincere and needed. He just has that much more dedication and faith than me I guess.

But the point is. It doesnt matter how many people you have had sex with. When you repent GOD FORGETS YOUR SINS!!!! You should too."
posted at 02:35:54 on September 14, 2011 by Porojukaha

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"Now brethren, the time has come for any one of us who is so involved to pull himself out of the mire, to stand above this evil thing, to “look to God and live” (Alma 37:47). We do not have to view salacious magazines. We do not have to read books laden with smut. We do not have to watch television that is beneath wholesome standards. We do not have to rent movies that depict that which is filthy. We do not have to sit at the computer and play with ographic material found on the Internet."

— Gordon B. Hinckley

General Conference, October 2004