By maddy
6/24/2011 8:46:43 AM
I first came here about a month ago to get my thoughts out and perhaps some empathy and helpful coping skills. I found it to be a sanctuary at first.

The 'tell my wife' post has me disturbed. I haven't been here long enough to know if this behavior is common or if this is a huge exception, but I simply can't click on that link anymore. It is sad because the original post was quite inspiring.

At ARP we make "I" statements only. There is no 'cross-talk' and only "I can relate in this way". I've seen people disagree, but not contentiously. I like that environment. Until now, I assumed this place was similar, though perhaps a little more relaxed.

My questions is: Is there a moderator for this site? Are there site rules?

I am very sad that a place that was a place of comfort is no longer that.


Dear Maddy    
"I have been comming here for a year. People are at different of recovery. There are addicts that are so humble, among the most humble people on earth. Some are still extremely prideful, in the mode of justifying and rationalising their sins. I think, everyone wants to recover. But engaging in a conversation with one who is still rationalising and justifying can be exhausting, most of those go under anonymouses because even here, they are still hiding.. I think it is impossible to have an honest and respectful conversation with one who is hiding... you know that they are still covering up ... what I do is ignore those conversations... you can not reason with the addict. You can only pray for them and their spouse. But there are so many who have helped me on my way to recovery. That is whay I keep comming, ...
Keep comming, ignore those conversations that can be contentious....
you are needed here..."
posted at 09:55:37 on June 24, 2011 by crushed
A place of comfort...    
"This site was intended to be patterned after actual ARP meetings. In fact, if you go back and read a lot of the earliest posts by Josh and Derek you will find a very familiar sense of that uplifting spirit and attitude. In those posts, cross talk was kept to minimum, and most posts were focused on insights gained by working the twelve steps.

It seems that over time the general atmosphere has degraded to a confession portal. A lot of details that are not normally shared in ARP meetings get written about here. Cross talk and disagreements are common and scriptural references are often used to drive home argumentative points rather than to edify. It is a very different feeling than you get by attending an actual moderated ARP meeting.

That being said, this site does still serve a purpose as it is. It gives some (many?) people a chance to see, reflect on, and hopefully come to better understanding of the points of view of others, both addicts and non-addicts. I first came here trying to get a perspective on what my wife might feel or need after confession. At the time, I had decided I was done with the filth. I just couldn't do it anymore, but I also knew I had to be honest with her. My focus was on gaining courage to tell her the truth and learn how to support her afterwards. This site was invaluable to me during that time.

Since confession, I have been able to start attending real ARP meetings and I find that I draw a great deal more strength from those meetings than I generally find here. It is still a resource to help discover and understand your own thoughts and feelings as others do the same through their writing.

I have appreciated a lot of your writing Maddy. I hope you stay and continue to strengthen the community. With a few more people like you, the spirit of contention might not be able to stick around for as long as it sometimes does."
posted at 10:36:18 on June 24, 2011 by paul
i agree    
"We need rules on here. And in our arp group it is always I. The you format does exisist in some situations but thats rare and its not confrontational. If there does need to be a you format then the We or Us format needs to be used do that it does include the speaker or in our case the eriter. I also believe that we need to rid the anonymous button. We are all basically anonymous unless we choose to include our own name in the username. Im one of those who have decided not to include my real name.
Hopefully we can work this out. I quite reading that post a while ago. Im happy for the person who did tell their wife the truth. He knocked what 2 or 3 steps with one stone. Takes guts.

But maddy this can still be the safe haven you need. I know i want you here and so do many others. Its the opinion of people full of love that really counts."
posted at 10:39:18 on June 24, 2011 by taintedlove
Monitoring is ongoing.    
"This is a safe place and as it say's in the heading "recovery through writing" I have found it very helpful. I noticed that most of the participants gravitate to general addiction and sexual addiction. We have many wives here in the sexual addiction group that would do well in the co-dependency group. I once posted a few remarks in that group and was told by the monitor that I would be better off with the men in this SA group.
I have seen phases of "men bashing" here by several "anonymous" blogger. Eventually they disappear. Perhaps the monitors talked to them.

Lately, I have had the thought or the feeling that blogging on this site might become a compulsion in and of itself. I have seen many bloggers talk about their being sober (not acting out) and then relapsing over and over again. That is not Recovery in my book.

I know that this program is inspired of the Lord and that those who work it will experience the 'Miracle of Forgiveness" and have this heavy burden lifted from their shoulders.
Those sisters who struggle with this addiction will find peace and healing beyond their capacity to comprehend.

posted at 23:24:44 on June 24, 2011 by 3R's
Always good to have rules    
"I'm wondering if my posts fit in the rules or not? I hadn't thought of them not, and more of me just getting my feelings out in a safe way. My husband (the SA) actually encouraged me to find online groups to help me know what to do for myself (and him).

I honestly want to fit w/in any guidelines set here, and maybe there is a link I didn't even think of reading for rules? :) Anyway, I can always make my posts private if they aren't conducive to the environment here. ;0)"
posted at 21:25:35 on June 30, 2011 by ConfidenceIn

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"Man has a dual nature; one, related to the earthly or animal life; the other, akin to the divine. Whether a man remains satisfied within what we designate the animal world, satisfied with what the animal world will give him, yielding without effort to the whim of his appetites and passions and slipping farther and farther into the realm of indulgence, or whether, through self-mastery, he rises toward intellectual, moral, and spiritual enjoyments depends upon the kind of choice he makes every day, nay, every hour of his life"

— David O. McKay