Can't get past step 1
By loving wife
4/14/2011 5:26:37 PM
I've blogged on and off for the past few months and have been attending an ARP group for 10 weeks, but I can't get past step 1. It seems I can't let go of the hurt, sorrow, anger, bitterness, and worry that has been a part of my life as a wife of an addict. He has been sober for 3 months, is back to taking the sacrament, and even stood in the circle to bless our little granddaughter. Yet we are mere acquaintances. I can't get it out of my heart the hurtful things he told me - that he has never felt satisfied, that our issues turn him to porn, that he has issues with my appearance (I'm not unattractive, but I've never been glamorous), that he never had a testimony. Yes, he has been sober, but his heart has not softened toward me or the gospel.

I'm just writing what's in my thoughts.


Keep fighting the good fight    
"Wow, I can see why you still feel that way. My wife has had a hard time with my addiction and I never said any of those things. I wish I could give advice, but I wouldn't know what to say. All I can think is to give it up to Christ. His atonement wasn't just meant for sins, but for trials, for hardships, for our griefs and pains. Anything that holds us down regardless if its our fault, still has to be healed by the atonement.

All those things that your husband told you sound like the lies Satan try to feed us men. You didn't turn him to p***, he chose to go that route, never was it your fault, ever. But again, I'm one trying to fight this addiction. Keep fighting the good fight."
posted at 18:19:32 on April 14, 2011 by adrastos
Turning to Prn    
"I agree with ADRASTOS. You did not turn him to Prn. That is just an excuse."
posted at 18:20:45 on April 14, 2011 by Anonymous
Hang in there!    
"All of those hurtful comments come from an addict, who is not yet able to take full responsibility for his actions. You had absolutely nothing to do with his addiction. He has a very sick brain right now. It take at least 2 years of sobriety before the brain can heal to even resemble a healthy brain. It takes 9 months at least of recovery before your husband will even be close to understanding the pain he has inflicted on you. To even be sorry. That is IF he is actively seeking recovery.

Do not let him be the VICTUM here. Do not let him go there.

I used a my Jesus Box, a recovery tool, I would either physically write down what was my pain my hurt, the visions in my head, what I had seen or heard or read that was causing me pain and put it in my Jesus Box. Most of the time I needed the relief quickly so I would do the exercise in my mind. Taking my issues and giving them to the Jesus Box. I would say something like this. "I am struggling with the thoughts of my husband lusting after other women, the things he has said to me, my anger, my fear..........etc. This pain I cannot deal with. I need you to help me, so I give this to you, Jesus. Then give a quick prayer of gratitude. This was so valuable to me.

If he is not seeking recovery that is a whole other issue."
posted at 18:32:15 on April 14, 2011 by Hero
My heart is sore for you    
"My husband has never said those things to me and has not let go of his testimony but I am still angry with him because of addiction, neglect of me and marriage, etc... However, at times I think that the longer I stay hurt and angry no matter what he has done, I'm letting his addiction and his actions affect me. I'm actually still being controlled by it all. I no longer want him or his addiction, his behavior control my life. I want to let it go and make space for my new life. A life free of resentment, free of anger and free to moove on. A life that I alone control and not someone else. I think it is worth the fight for your sereinity and peace of mind. Continue to try to let it go and leave it all in the hands of your Savior to judge. I do not think letting go means to forgive. But I think it means to leave the revenge, the resentment, the anger in the hands of the Lord. Dealing with our feelings with the Lord rather than with our spouse. Your husband, he does not know what he is doing and you need to detach from his actions. Give your heart and life to the Lord and let him sort it all out. Concentrate on your healing. What I tell myself is I do not have to sort anything at all. I can be happy regardless of his choices. His loss of sobriety and of testimony is his to deal with. I will feel pain most certainly but, ultimately, my life belongs to the Lord. The Lord took everything from Job and gave him back twice or more as much as he had lost. That is our God, a God who can turn your life around anytime when you trust him. You can be happy and have a fulfilling life whether or not your husband stays sober, stays in the church, leaves it, or your marriage ends. You just have to work on yourself and trust in him, that all will be well for her who is righteous.
you are in my prayers"
posted at 18:42:22 on April 14, 2011 by Anonymous
Hey Loving Wife    
"Us addicts are a really loonie bunch, we promise the world for all but a short period.
When that period ends, hat very same world revolves around us.

Tell him to man up and break the news to him very gently that he is no longer 12 years old.

Here's praying for you "
posted at 19:06:53 on April 14, 2011 by ruggaexpat
I'm sorry to hear this difficult situation    
"HIs sins are his choice. He should take responsibility for them, regardless of what excuses he has. He is frustrated w/ his marriage so he goes out and sins. Ok, but it is certainly not the spouse's fault. I had frustrations about my marriage and I was hurting inside...I started to get mad at God and subsequently my spouse. I'm thankful that she has been so open to working on our relationship when I have betrayed her through p~rn and mb. Our relationship challenges got worse and worse, then I turned to p~rn, that was in no way the fault of my spouse. It was me acting immature and trying to 'escape' from the challenges of life and marriage which come to pretty much everyone in different forms. I hope that you know that a FAther in Heaven loves you, and men who do not honor their wives will be judged for their choices and how they treated their wives. I've got a lot to make up for...but I'm working on it. How does he pass the sacrament or give blessings if he has no testimony? I'm sorry you are suffering...take care of yourself, maybe you need separation from him...maybe you need more, idk. TAke care of yourself first...then you can worry about the steps. In my prayers."
posted at 16:50:17 on April 16, 2011 by jdean88
How difficult!    
"I am so sorry that you are facing something like this! I can understand maybe some of what you are going through. My husband hasn't ever been super strong in the church and isn't active really. And he has never done any of the programs or anything to get help.
He didn't blame me initially for the porn but almost a year after I found out- I was struggling with intimacy and he told me that I was pushing him back to it. It felt like a punch to the stomache! And even now- 7 years later I can feel that pressure.
I am not past everything either. I think one of the reasons is because is sounds like your husband is like mine- they are sorry they got caught but not sorry they were involved. Maybe I am wrong. I know I live in fear of it still everyday. Its so hard.
I wish I had some amazing advice to offer you!! I will keep you in my prayers! take a look at my site"
posted at 02:09:48 on April 18, 2011 by faith21
It's NOT You    
"Do not let yourself believe that you are in some way responsible for your husband's action. His choices are his alone. No one forced him to react towards you or your marriage a certain way. Really, those are all excuses. But hating him or being angry at him won't solve the problem either.

The truth is, he's afraid to face up to the real reason behind his addiction, whatever that may be. He might not even know he's afraid, but that's usually why we make excuses. We don't want to admit the truth because then it becomes real. And that's hard and scary and painful.

I agree with the first comment, that you need to give your hurt over to Christ. He can heal you. Regardless of what your husband does or says, you can be healed from the hurt and the pain that has come into your life. One book that really touches upon this idea quite well is "The Peacegiver" by James L. Ferrell. You should look into reading it."
posted at 18:59:56 on April 18, 2011 by jjdanomaly
30 year addict    
"We have all used these justifications to avoid what is really behind our addiction. We cave up our free agency to our addiction. We trained our mind, and the chemicals in our brains to be subserviant to our addictions. The spirit doesnt really touch our hearts, it touches the part of our brain that releases endorfins that couse us to feel. When we give into an addiction this part of the brain is dammaged in the same way a drug addict is, except more endorfines are released. We no longer can feel the spirit because the part of the brain we feel with has been rewired. It takes time and abstanance for many years to recover and let that part of the brain heal, but it is possible. There are some new books by LDS authors that talk about the chemical dependency of Sexual addiction. They have sections on this and how we justify. They also have sections for spouces of addicts in them. My wife has found great comfort and understanding in studying them. I have found understanding of myself in them. And with the lords help we have found each other again! Dont let the addiction lies make you insecure, he is lying to himself. It is part of recovery. The lord heals all, but we have to work at it. Good luck My prayers are with you!"
posted at 23:20:03 on April 22, 2011 by Anonymous

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"The solution to this problem ultimately is neither governmental nor institutional. Nor is it a question of legality. It is a matter of individual choice and commitment. Agency must be understood. The importance of the will in making crucial choices must be known. Then steps toward relief can follow."

— Russell M. Nelson