2/22/2011 9:32:03 AM
I can’t believe I fell to masturbation again. I’m so furious. I just kept thinking about my past sins this morning and how mad I was that someone on this site threw them in my face yesterday. This soon led to acting out. I don’t even know what to think.

It seems like every time I take one step forward I slide two steps back. I don’t think I’ll ever be worthy of the temple again, and I’m getting to the point that I just don’t care. I’m so tired of the church and its standards and little punishments. I’m tired of people who think they’re better than me because they used to be addicts and now they’re like the Savior and they don’t get tempted at all.

Why is our church so hard? At which point in the New Testament did the savior say that we are saved after we believe in him and abstain from sacrament and the temple for years? Didn’t he forgive the thief and promise him salvation after a few short hours? Maybe I should find salvation in a more forgiving place.

By the way, Theyspeak, maybe you're on to something. I had a horrible night of sleep last night.


"It's hard...yes, it is. I hate it when I fall...but don't stay there. It's a dark place. What I'm learning more and more is the great love the Lord has for us. Something that we don't find in many people on earth. I am working on that love as well. The greatest virtue is charity, the pure love of Christ. Get back up and keep's not where we's the direction we are moving. I hope this helps!"
posted at 09:49:10 on February 22, 2011 by jdean88
Praying for you    
"Ette, I'm sorry for your pain. I'm also sorry someone on this site hurt you. This should be a place of honesty and healing. Unfortunately it's also a place with humans. Thus, unwise things are said.

I'm not sure what was said, though I recall reading an apology to you in another post. But whatever was said doesn't matter. You became offended and you allowed Satan to use that to convince you to act out. You know this isn't the church's fault or the Lord's fault or anyone on this site. You also know that Jesus has his hand continually reached out to you. It's Satan who is telling you you can't make it and everything is too hard.

Admit your mistake, ask the Lord for forgiveness, and get back on track. He is still reaching out to you. He is always reaching out to you. The fact that this is so hard means you are making progress. Satan's worried because he sees you getting away.

As for the thief on the cross, Christ never told him he was going to be exalted. Elder Talmage in Jesus the Christ explains that all he told him was that he would be with him in the world of spirits that day. The thief would still have to face his actions and work out his repentance in the next life. We do have to work out our repentance with sweat and tears, because that's where growth comes from. This is the reason for church standards and the "little punishments" you mentioned.

When Christ healed and forgave others, He never implied that they were free from personal responsibility. With the forgiveness came the command: "Go thy way, and sin no more." He will heal you. He IS healing you. But you need to trust His process and take responsibility for your actions."
posted at 10:41:57 on February 22, 2011 by iwillnot
Why do I feel so happy?    
"ETTE I'm sorry that you fell but I agree with IWILLNOT. i just hope you won't be too hard on yourself. You said in another post that you were almost three weeks clean. that says something. it says that you can do, its hard but you have shown yourself and the Lord that you can overcome this. take it one day at a time.

You should go back and read your blog "Why do I feel so happy?"
you said " I heard a facilitator at group say that ANYONE can conquer their addictions through Christ, and I guess I’m feeling hopeful enough to believe that even I can do it."
remember that hope you once had. put your trust in the Lord and surrender to him, i know you can do it ETTE.

you too are in my prayers
-Love Heartfelt"
posted at 11:39:59 on February 22, 2011 by heartfelt
Remember this    
"This is good man. Remember it. Because one day you'll be clean and sober. And because of this experience you'll know how to approach those who are struggling with more empathy and understanding.

The Spirit of the gospel is true Ette. Always. Various doctrinal and administrative points I'm not so sure. So, for me at least, I think it often wise to just court that Spirit (often in my own way) and all but forget the rest."
posted at 11:53:32 on February 22, 2011 by They Speak
"Man, I really liked that last thought! It is almost impossible to believe who I am hearing it from. I've been gone for six months and have just now caught up with what's been giong on with you. I am so very happy for this miraculous change of heart that is happening in your life. I think you were in a very dark place when I last checked in. Now you are sounding like someone with a message of hope and recovery to share. Don't look now but I sense humility. It reminded me of something someone told me when I was starting out, "Be kind to the newcomer because there may come a time that you ask them to be your sponsor." There is something really beautiful about witnessing the light come on in someone's soul.

Ette, I think that every time I've engaged in contention it was because I saw something very annoying in the other person, only to find out later on that it was myself that had this same annoying quality. There are parts of myself I can't stand and sometimes certain people mirror this so well. I inevitably learn a painful but necessary lesson. For example, one person on this site used to annoy me. He never missed an opportunity to "preach" to the rest of us. In actuality, everything he said was true. I just hated being preached to. PRIDE. For all I know, he could've been an apostle. It rarely occured to me that perhaps someone BESIDES MYSELF may have needed to hear what he was saying. : ) Good luck to you. It really isn't about how many days clean, it's about trudging on."
posted at 17:55:38 on February 22, 2011 by Anonymous
Keep Trying    
"Don't beat yourself up, just keep trying. It doesn't matter if you slide back sometimes, it just matters that you're facing the right direction and trying. God knows your heart. He knows if you're trying.

You can do it!"
posted at 00:52:01 on February 23, 2011 by dstanley

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"We cannot keep one foot in the Church and one foot in the world. One reason is the world and the Church are rapidly diverging. We will lose our balance.We know that "no man can serve two masters." Some, I fear, are attempting to do what President Marion G. Romney described as trying to "serve the Lord without offending the devil." "

— Larry W. Gibbons

General Conference October 2006