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One Year
By lawrence
2/7/2011 11:05:50 AM
I have been compulsively masturbating for about 37 years. I am 46. I stopped long enough each time to get a mission call, marry in the temple, get my patriarchal blessing, be a seminary teacher, be elder's quorum president, young men's president and ward mission leader, but it always came back with a vengeance. One year ago today, I told my wife of my addiction to porn. It has been the hardest journey we have ever loved. We have learned so much. I went 9 months cold turkey starting Feb 4 2010 with no masturbation at all, even though I had the stress of almost getting kicked out of my house, having a church court, being disfellowshipped from the church for actions 7-8 years ago, having family disown me completely and having a police investigation on me with potential prison time. The Lord has been with me all a long and I am grateful to him.

My wife has completely detached herself emotionally from me and is full of pride towards healing our relationship (her words). Of all of my 12 step groups I go to, all of the family I have confided in and close friends and bishop, it almost seems as if she is the least supportive and seems to care the very least about my recovery. My counselor, a very strong LDS man with a decade of experience in sexual addiction and crime, says that he has never seen anyone hurt as much as her. Often, for much greater offenses after a few months, the wife will say OK enough of that let's move on, and find peace and happiness through the atonement of Christ. My wife goes to the temple 2 or 3 times a week. She always has her scriptures out, marking them and studying them. She is a facilitator at the Family/Spouses Support Group in the LDS PASG ARP. I love her dearly and the reason she is so hurt is because of my actions of course, but also because of her complete innocence, trust and naiveté. When I first confessed masturbation to her before we got married, her response was, "what is masturbation?" On our wedding night I discovered that her understanding of sex was you just lay close together, and she didn't know of any requirement for movement with intercourse. She is a beautiful daughter of God whose parents kept her safely shielded from worldly matters, but also completely uneducated with matters that do need to be discussed in a good LDS Christian home.

After 9 or 10 months of sobriety from masturbation since Feb 2010, she announced to me suddenly, out of the blue (after starting counseling with a recovered addict's wife) that she was putting up a new boundary: no sex, no initiating sex, no discussing sex OR talk of how good or bad I am doing in my recovery. She also rarely talks about how her healing is going, always getting a somber face and barely ever expressing her feelings if I ask. It has always been hard for her to express feelings. She is intimidated by how eloquent I am with words and how open and honest I am about my innermost thoughts, observations, temptations, etc. I do not lie to her anymore now that I have come clean. She seems ashamed to talk of her own struggles.

Upon announcement of this boundary, I wrongly and selfishly fought it tooth and nail, intellectualizing with her how much our intimate relationship was helping both me and her, quoting scripture, and on and on. I am sorry to say that I stopped showing respect to her and the pain she was feeling. Never was there any screaming, fighting, yelling or name-calling. We stayed polite and soft-spoken to one another. However, when she couldn’t stand it anymore, she told me to leave the house. We had a single counseling session together and she realized how much the 4 kids would blame themselves (as kids always do for parental fights, separations, and divorces). She let me stay if I would stop talking. So I was silent, but asked if it were ok to discuss things once a week. I found this to be helpful, but she interpreted it as a "pattern" in me where I would put her through hell every weekend. She helped me see the pattern and I humbled myself and haven't talked about or initiated sex for the past month.

This boundary announcement seemed to come completely out of the blue. I do not think she prayed about it, but rather embraced the suggestion in Coleen’s book, even though it was taken out of context, as a means of escaping pain by withdrawing from me. That is only my humble opinion. She continually says she feels so guilty and selfish for withholding love, intimacy and sexual relations, but that her counselor tells her not to fee l that way. I say her counselor seems to be violating “don’t tell those that are struggling with emotional pain how they are supposed to feel.” I have prayed about the no-sex boundary, and the answer I receive is that it matters not if it is right or wrong for her/me/us, that I should respect her wishes for a time while He heals her. I mourn for the times we had together during those first 9-10 months. Life was so much better, despite the suffering. We were working together. We found new closeness. We had reached heights never before attained in our emotional, spiritual and physical intimacy and my sweet bride truly started to become satisfied and enjoy our relationship more than she had in years. She was actually wanting and needing me on a deep emotional level, and I made it my only goal in life to fulfill her need, all while we continued in fasting and prayer to get through all the hard times. She and I had feelings of complete joy. She kept saying how she loved the “new me” much better than the “old me”. We are a rare case where during the husband’s years of acting out, the wife has no idea of it. From the day I told her, I stayed away from porn, slipping a couple of times with porn, but always telling her right away.

We are enrolled in lifestar, and I am having to dig up events in my family of origin that have given me so much anxiety I'm taking Xanex, but I was also taking it with the previously-mentioned stress. I know my wife and I both had troubles during the first 9 or 10 months, but stayed close to the Lord and I had never once had any masturbation slip-ups. The stress of life nowadays seems nothing compared to the earlier days of my recovery journey. For some strange reason, for the past couple of months, I have chosen to go back to the old habit, sometimes 3 or 4 times in a week. I have transparency, telling her and my bishop and my groups when I fall. I am not choosing outright the evil path. I am never desiring to do this evil. I keep doing my dailies and merely fall to maybe 1% of the temptations that beset me. I never miss a day reading the scriptures, kneeling for personal prayer twice a day, with my wife twice, and with my whole family twice and often individually with each child. I feel the Holy Ghost with me often. I study the scriptures and the recovery material each day. I read a chapter from the Book of Mormon every evening with my entire family.

Comments:

continued    
"I can in no way blame my wife for my own behavior. She is in a lot of pain, and with all of the help she is getting I am seeing, hoping for, and praying for some kind of break-through in her healing. It is more obvious than the nose on my face that my return to old ways is not helping matters at all. I honestly thought that if I blogged today, I would be able to report two and a half weeks of sobriety from not masturbating since 1/22/2011 but alas I fell on Friday and Saturday. 14 days sober is the longest I have had in 3 months (clap clap clap at the meetings). I do not blame her. I pray for her and I am even prepared to go a long, long haul if needed without physical intimacy (Mormon euphemism for sex). I know she suffers. She has expressed to me that she is praying for and trying to let go of her pride and suffering and give it all to the Lord, who waits so patiently for her to place her troubles on His alter (come unto me all ye that are heavy laden and I will give you rest).

I have spoken to my bishop, my therapist, and one of the missionaries in the LDS addiction recovery program, who has 40 plus years as a psychiatrist specializing in addiction recovery, the last ten years of which he has dealt a great deal with sexual addiction. The Elder told me not to worry. He said in LifeStar I am addressing things in my past that I identify with, things that I believe are a part of me. As I let go of them, deep down I have a disturbance that is unprecedented in my life: I am changing who I really am. I am allowing God to change me. That is more stressful than the dread of having the police interview me about past actions. He says be patient and trust in the Lord and don’t get too caught up about my relapses. They are a normal part of recovery, especially at this point.

I have never, and will never use this commonly-quoted fact about recovery as an excuse to act out. I fear that I may subconsciously plan them out, but ever stay close to God. Today, I feel fully penitent. I attended a meeting last night which was above and beyond any Spirit of God that I normally experience. In my past, I followed by the book the cycle of addiction: thoughts, rituals, acting, self-loathing shame and despair, and back to thoughts. I have broken it after acting. I feel godly sorrow, confess and (fully in my mind) forsake my sins. By my track record, the sin isn’t forsaken, but I am learning to love my new self and the new heart God has put into me. I am addicted to perfection, which always breeds lies. I hereby give it up. I accept myself as an unworthy creature, not perfect, but a son of God nonetheless who has shown infinite love to me by suffering for my sins, being scourged for me, and dying on the cruel cross so that I might have eternal joy and happiness.

I want to give up the cycle of addiction and experience the new circle of virtue as described in the New Era Magazine this month. (http://lds.org/new-era/2011/02/the-secret-enemy?lang=eng) It has the same four elements: thoughts, rituals, behavior, and emotion, but the emotion is joy rather than despair, and the whole circle is perfectly in line with God’s plan for us: 1) Thoughts. Change your environment. Surround yourself with pictures, music, and literature that will inspire good and uplifting thoughts. Avoid media, people, or settings that have tempted you in the past. Disconnect the Internet or television cable. Learn constructive ways to respond to conflict, boredom, or other negative feelings. Think about ways to serve others. 2) Rituals. Engage in positive activities, such as studying the scriptures, exercising, or talking with a family member or friend. 3) Behavior. Fast and pray for help, and do good works. Addiction, which is selfish by nature, can be replaced by selfless service to others. 4) Joy. President Thomas S. Monson has said, “Don’t put your eternal life at risk. Keep the commandments of God. If you have sinned, the sooner you begin to make your way back, the sooner you will find the sweet peace and joy that come with the miracle of forgiveness. Happiness comes from living the way the Lord wants you to live and from service to God and others”"
posted at 11:06:10 on February 7, 2011 by lawrence
not penitent    
"new confession: I masturbated just after writing. Why?"
posted at 14:44:11 on February 7, 2011 by lawrence
arg!    
"Penitent? Ha! BS. After writing all this, I masturbated again. Why? (words, words, words) Where is my commitment? Lord can I please have back the humble attitude You gave to me back in February of last year? I have learned so much, and I know I must rely on You and You alone.

Jesus, lover of my soul,
Let me to thy bosom fly,
While the nearer waters roll,
While the tempest still is high.
Hide me, O my Savior, hide,
Till the storm of life is past.
Safe into the haven guide;
Oh, receive my soul at last.

Please God receive my soul at last. Finally, after all this, lead me not into temptation, but deliver me from evil. Satan wants to shred my marriage to pieces. You know how much I love my family. Do not let me fall. I am powerless. Your power is enough. I give You my life and my will. I surrender.

Jesus, take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own

I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus, take the wheel

Please Jesus, please pilot me and take the wheel. You are in charge, my Lord and my Master.

I don’t need sex. I don’t need candy or chocolate or caffeine or porn or masturbation or any other earthly false comfort. All I need is my Savior. I give myself to You.

Omni 1: 26
And now, my beloved brethren, I would that ye should come unto Christ, who is the Holy One of Israel, and partake of his salvation, and the power of his redemption. Yea, come unto him, and offer your whole souls as an offering unto him, and continue in fasting and praying, and endure to the end; and as the Lord liveth ye will be saved.

D&C 6
33 Fear not to do good, my sons, for whatsoever ye sow, that shall ye also reap; therefore, if ye sow good ye shall also reap good for your reward.
34 Therefore, fear not, little flock; do good; let earth and hell combine against you, for if ye are built upon my rock, they cannot prevail.
35 Behold, I do not condemn you; go your ways and sin no more; perform with soberness the work which I have commanded you.
36 Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not.
37 Behold the wounds which pierced my side, and also the prints of the nails in my hands and feet; be faithful, keep my commandments, and ye shall inherit the kingdom of heaven. Amen.

Ether 12:41
41 And now, I would commend you to seek this Jesus of whom the prophets and apostles have written, that the grace of God the Father, and also the Lord Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost, which beareth record of them, may be and abide in you forever. Amen."
posted at 17:21:43 on February 7, 2011 by lawrence
100%    
"something that has helped me is that i have found somehting that i needed to be 100% MB free in order to get where i want. i have 100% commisted to a mission and so i need to be 100% MB/porn free. maybe you could find somehting that you are 100% commited to.

i wish i had more that i could tell you, but im not married, and i am only on my 17th day. and this is the 1st time i have gone 17 days, so i dont know what i can say to help you except that i will pray for you."
posted at 18:50:10 on February 7, 2011 by kaybee
godly sorrow    
"You mentioned godly sorrow which is a necessary step for repentance and i know that I stuggle with the definition of godly sorrow. I went to Institute one night and we discussed a good definition of godly sorrow and i hope it helps.

"Godly sorrow is a gift of the Spirit. It is a deep realization that our actions have offended our Father and our God. It is the sharp and keen awareness that our behavior caused the Savior, He who knew no sin, even the greatest of all, to endure agony and suffering. Our sins caused Him to bleed at every pore. This very real mental and spiritual anguish is what the scriptures refer to as having a broken heart and a contrite spirit. Such a spirit is the absolute prerequisite for true repentance." -- Teaching of Ezra Taft Benson (1988)

I know that this quote has helped me when I needed to repent and that Christ knows what you are going through and knows what your wife is going through. She sounds like a wonderful person who is using the atonement to its full extent to help her heal."
posted at 19:10:29 on February 7, 2011 by Anonymous
Your angel wife    
"Dear Lawrence,
I read all of your post and I don't think I have anything helpful to add. You need Hero! She always says the right thing. I just feel for your wife. You are lucky to have had 9 great months with her after the disclosure. My situation is similar to yours in that I was married 9.5 years and had no idea my husband was a s%x addict. I was pretty innocent before I got married (especially to the first husband). After marrying him, I felt a great sense of loss that I wasn't innocent anymore. I was suddenly thrust into a cruel world. But somehow I remained niave enough to be fooled by my second husband. I thought he was a righteous returned missionary. I thought we had the same values. For instance, we both agreed that we wouldn't watch R rated movies. He wouldn't have ever suggested that we watch one. 10 years later I find out that he secretly watches not only R movies but X rated movies. It was traumatizing to learn I was married to a stranger. When we were dating, I thought that I was going to be more wise this time. So I shyly asked him if he ever had masturbated. He said he had as a teenager but he had stopped and repented to go on a mission. I was bothered that he had that past, but I was willing to forgive the follies of his youth. I had NO idea what I was getting into. I feel like my innocence was robbed. I feel like my life was stolen from me. If he had been honest about who he was, I wouldn't have married him. I was tricked and I am paying so BIG for it. I guess, I am just saying that if I feel this way, your poor wife, who was sooo innocent (like 100 times more innocent than me) has really gone through a lot.

Now I know your wife is sweeter than me. She has been much more kind to you than I have been to my husband, so she may not feel this way.... But when my husband reads scriptures, or lectures me I can not take it! I tell him that I have too much pride to listen to him preach to me. I can not take it from him, even if he is right. I feel like after all the disgusting, evil things he has done, after all the lies and the years of fakey-fakeness, I can not take spiritual counsel from him.
Be patient with your tender wife. Remember, it could be so much worse. She is an angel compared to me!
And I know you are not supposed to tell addicts to just stop. But stop. Stop. She may never trust you if you don't stop. You stopped before. My bishop warned me that there would very likely be relapses. I just refused to deal with that. That was my boundary. I have been through enough hell for a lifetime. I can not continue to relive this nightmare. But what do I know! I am still broken and messed up! Where's Hero and Rugga???"
posted at 19:18:05 on February 7, 2011 by katie
I feel for your poor wife and for you    
"Dear Lawrence,

I will just comment on the boundary of no intimacy. I like Katie think you have been blessed with your wife, she is a soft tender hearted women who obviously wants to heal and save the marriage. I am glad you understand the no sex boundary. I like KAtie and maybe your wife just felt so dirty and used all these years. Sex is stressful, unconformable, painful and disgusting to me now. So there has been no sex since the disclosure. But my reactions were so different, I just was ready to kick him out at that moment. I packed him out of the house. He panicked, called the bishop, etc.. we talked and talked (poor bishop) and I agree to let him stay while we saw a counselor and went to ARP. It will soon be a year. I felt like a dead zombie for many months, but thanks to the Savior I feel much better. Still our relationship is one of two strangers and we are shooting to become friends...
So, be hopeful and let yourself feel even more gratitude for the wonderful wife the Lord has given you. She will definitely never feel safe enough to return to you, heart, mind and body if you have not demonstrated for a good period of time that you honor her.
I do not know if this helps? I just wanted to reply to your plea. Perhaps other addicts would be able to give you the hope and support you need right now. Lawrence, all I can do for you is to promise to remember you in my prayers tonight, you and your wife."
posted at 20:10:44 on February 7, 2011 by crushed
L my good brother    
"Just want you to know I love you man.
You have a way with words all right so do yourself a huge favor and tell that rotten slug to bugger off out of your life for good.
About the masturbation well keep working at finding the heart of that habit.
Find it and then don't just fix it but kill the damn thing.

Katie and Crushed you guys are sisters for sure. If I could I would institute a new "TO HELL WITH MY ADDICT HUSBAND GROUP". Just kidding.

We are all going to find a way out of this mess. No one will remain entangled forever so no worries everyone.

If I come here tomorrow saying all hell has broken loose and I am divorced please don't remind me about all the hopeful trump of no worries."
posted at 22:31:51 on February 7, 2011 by ruggaexpat
Stop looking at your wife and her recovery.    
"You are still a baby in recovery. Your own recovery should be front and center. Your sobriety or lack of it has nothing to do with where your wife is at in her healing. If it does, you're doing it wrong. I'm still sensing some blame. "If only she would act THIS way, I wouldn't have to act THIS way..." And it's probably not helpful to take her counselors inventory."
posted at 22:59:35 on February 7, 2011 by Anonymous
Lawrence    
"I can totally relate to having a longer chunk of time and then struggling mightily. One thing that helped me was to finally quit beating myself up about it. Increasing the shame was only helping to keep me stuck. You made mistakes, now get back to the things you know you need to do. Focus on the good things. The sobriety will come as you keep working on it.

As far as things with your wife go, I can imagine that her no sex boundary was a shock and is difficult. All you can do though is try to let it go, and help her with what she needs to be comfortable enough to remove that boundary. Love her the way she is. Help her in any way you can that she'll allow you to.

You're a good guy. Your sobriety will come back. You're relationship with your wife will improve. Just give it time and do the things you know you need to do."
posted at 00:13:49 on February 8, 2011 by dstanley
The Devil    
"Satan is too clever for me. I can only trust God. Walk with me today, Lord. Thank you all for your love."
posted at 09:49:12 on February 8, 2011 by lawrence
question    
"In your opinion, should my wife never see this?"
posted at 09:49:53 on February 8, 2011 by lawrence
Good point    
"I've been thinking about what Rugga said ("We are all going to find a way out of this mess. No one will remain entangled forever"). That rang very true to me. At some point or another, we are all going to be able to repent, change and be free of this thing, because as Rugga mentioned we won't have this forever. Isn't that a liberating thought? It just goes to show that we CAN overcome this and that it IS possible.

I had that confirmed to me as I was reading in Alma 5:15 this morning, where it says we need to "look forward with an eye of faith" and view ourselves in our eternal state. We need to visualize and remember who we really are and our real potential, as the Lord does. As it says in Preach My Gospel, "Repentance includes forming a fresh view of God, ourselves, and the world". Just some food for thought. :)"
posted at 12:09:56 on February 8, 2011 by JustMe
Sorry    
"Lawrence, I am sorry that I told you to "Just stop." I have read that you can't say that to addicts. It doesn't work. I haven't "just stopped" a ton of things myself, i.e. eating chocolate, watching The Office even though it gets crude sometimes, yelling at my husband, fussing at my kids, ect."
posted at 12:43:43 on February 8, 2011 by katie
Your Question Lawrence? Should your wife never see this?    
"I think you should ask your Heavenly Father in Law.

Your a Father, how would you want your daughter to be treated."
posted at 14:19:35 on February 8, 2011 by Hero
You are self focused    
"Sorry if you don't like what I am saying, but it seems to be all about you and that is how addicts are. It is all about them and what they want. You seem to have a lot of self pitty. Again, addict behavior.

When you find Christ and focus on him and serving him, nothing else will matter. Addicts are most always trying to find a way to "get some" . To me it is disgusting. Sorry, being honest here. What the Lord planned for sex and what Satan plans for sex are complete opposites. You have been on Satan's plan for a long time.

Let go of sex forever......... It doesn't matter. Keep healing you through Christ and sobriety will come, ask Rugga. This won't be easy, but when you are ready to let go of all of your sins to know God, everything will change forever. That means all of your sins. Are you still hiding anything?

The above answer is the same for every person on this Earth. It is what we all must do to know God and be changed forever, for we are all sinners. Every last one of us sin and fall short of God's glory. Blame is unproductive. Christ is the answer. Get out of me, me, poor little old me, and find him, him, Great Savior and King.

What s he Lord's wil for you? That ia a question for each of us to ponder."
posted at 16:14:24 on February 8, 2011 by Anonymous
my 2 cents    
"Lawrence:

you're too smart for your own good. Stop thinking! ( I know it's hard not to) understanding all of this is the 'booby prize'.

Getting out in nature... has been very therapeutic for me.. to just realize how harmonious nature is...

'Jesus take the wheel' has been the only answer for me.
His Grace is quite stunning... no solution I have ever thought up.. compares to the miracles/blessings he has put on my front doorstep.

the platinum rule is ...
do unto others as they would have you do unto them.
maybe... less talking and more genuine listenting to your wife (I know listening without solution providing is hard for men)

so much of this work affects generations... so when things get tough.. just remember that the work you are doing has ripples into other generations, other families...

I believe that you cannot just heal yourself in the courageous work of recovery... that every act of confession, humility, of opening your heart, and taking action on the Holy Spirit of God's promptings... results in less sin in the world for all of us.

May god always be with you.. whether you want him to be or not :)"
posted at 00:23:10 on February 9, 2011 by gracefull
Consiquenses ?    
"I was wondering L? Besides the relief you receive from your slips, your reward? Have you given yourself consiquenses for your slips? Like, Ok, I messed up! So now because I have made bad choices I have to give $50 to the political party I do not indorse. Or I have to go pick up trash for two hours in a public area?? What are you doing to discipline yourself?

If your brain only receives rewards then why would it not want to keep doing what it is doing?

You can shout me down. You asked for help and I know you have all the spiritual knowledge that should give you strength . You have been taking the actions for recovery........have you been examined or tested for chemical depression? If you are using the chemical release you receive from your slips (mb) to self medicate, or sex with your wife for the same purpose then when all stops you will spiral down fast. Your bad chemical brain, if that is the problem, needs to be treated. There are blood test now for this. No more quess work by well meaning professionals.

Somethings to consider??"
posted at 10:34:20 on February 9, 2011 by Hero
very good place today    
"Today, and yesterday, I was in a very good place. Each free moment I have to think, I pray in my mind. All of my extra time is taken up talking to my Heavenly Father or Savior. I love these types of times. I know that the heavy duty temptation will come back. I'll just keep praying.

peace

L"
posted at 12:15:15 on February 9, 2011 by lawrence
Consequences    
"I've never felt the need to create consequences for my slips. I think they come with enough consequences on their own. Obviously they bring some positives or we wouldn't keep doing them, but at least for me the upside is over pretty quickly and then the downside comes crashing in."
posted at 00:48:21 on February 10, 2011 by dstanley
Consequences!    
"Hmm! D ? Well let me put it this way. For a partner of a sex addict, boundaries without consequences are just threats. For an addict, boundaries without consequences , are just promises. Yes, a slip for either brings it's own cause and effect. But, if I know that if I choose to slip then I am going to have to go and clean bed pans or clean floors at the convalescence center for 3 hours, I might rethink my decision to act out. Just a recovery tool, that is all it is."
posted at 01:52:37 on February 10, 2011 by Hero
depression    
"Oh by the way, I forgot to answer your question, Hero. First let me say how much I admire you and how well-thought-out your posts are. You are a great woman and God really gives you a lot of strength when you need it. I diagnosed myself with obvious depression (I was suicidal, so duh, of course I'm depressed). I have been talking to a psychotherapist and my doctor, who prescribes meds for the depression. So yes. Never had the blood test for depression, though.

As far as mortification of the flesh for my sins, I don't believe in it. I literally kill myself emotionally and it takes a nasty toll on my body as well when I screw up. You talk as if mb had some great reward like a million dollars. It is an exhilaration that lasts 10 seconds, and then a good (deadened) feeling for a few hours, then a tidal wave of self-loathing shame. I appreciate the suggestion and know of your sincerity. Talking with my therapist, I also know I'm the type of person that things like that will reverse their intended effect. In other words, if I slam my head in the door every time I have a lustful thought, soon slamming my head will become arousing to me. Same with flipping my wrist with a rubber band, or singing a hymn. Guys can and do involuntarily think of porn during sacrament meeting, triggered by the hymn. True story.

My need is to recognize when the addict inside me is trying to take control, and stop it early with help from God. If the addict has control, it is too late for the conventional "sing a hymn" or "read scripture" philosophies. It is then that I must run away from it, as did Joseph of Old. As I sat recently in a 12 step meeting, a cute little old lady talked of her addiction to gambling (which I also have), and how God stopped her on her way to Wendover (a two hour drive). I was only wishing that for me to act out, I'd have to drive to the next state, or drive to a liquor store or whatever. But with mb, you walk around 24/7 with everything you need to act out. Our ARP missionary was saying how some of his clients described it--the heroin addict had a better high from actually calling his dealer than when the drug was injected. Some porn addicts get the rush when they hear the computer fan start up, or when the sex addict starts trolling for a prostitute, so in that light I guess the drug rushes in when we finally cave mentally to the idea of acting out. This is totally rambling. I’ll stop now. I am three days sober."
posted at 09:45:02 on February 10, 2011 by lawrence
Consequences    
"I loved your post Lawrence. I've often felt that part of what makes mb such a hard addiction to overcome is the fact that you always have what you need right there. Also, I think you explained the consequences thing well. If consequences were enough to keep an addict from acting out, we wouldn't need this site. There are already consequences such as ability to participate fully at church. For married addicts there are consequences in their relationship with their spouses. Then there is the shame and hit to the self-esteem. I've also heard that singing a hymn is a bad thing to do because then you can end up associating the hymn with acting out."
posted at 22:32:37 on February 10, 2011 by dstanley
Lawrence,    
"I'm just curious, deep down, do you feel like you should be allowed to masturbate / have an orgasm? Do you want to make everyone else happy so you try to be sober? Do you try to be sober because the church says it's wrong to act out, and you believe in the church? Or do you believe that masturbation is wrong because you know for yourself that it's wrong?

I'm asking all these questions because you sound like me before I realized for myself that it's wrong. I know I'm not the right person to preach, especially since I only have ten days of sobriety, but I know that these questions helped me get out of the vicious cycle of acting out. I hope they will help you."
posted at 13:16:07 on February 11, 2011 by ETTE


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" Is it possible to reclaim a life that through reckless abandon has become so strewn with garbage that it appears that the person is unforgivable? Or what about the one who is making an honest effort but has fallen back into sin so many times that he feels that there is no possible way to break the seemingly endless pattern? Or what about the person who has changed his life but just can't forgive himself?The Atonement of Jesus Christ is available to each of us. His Atonement is infinite. It applies to everyone, even you. It can clean, reclaim, and sanctify even you. That is what infinite means—total, complete, all, forever. "

— Shayne M. Bowen

General Conference October 2006