Really need help
By Helpme
2/2/2011 11:51:50 PM
I just needed somewhere to vent, to really vent. I hope I don't offend anyone. I am not the best at words or expressing, so bear with me and if any one is offend let me know and I will delete this.
First off when I was very young, age 7, When I was taught how to masturbate. I didn't know it was wrong until the age of 14 when I realized I couldn't stop. To this day, I am 19, I have been addicted. Last year I dated a guy and we fooled around a lot so after two months I ended it. I repent and tried to move on. Then I met another guy and slipped up and quickly ended things. For the past 7 months I have been dating this guy off and on. All we do now is have oral sex. And every time we go to far we both go talk to our bishops. For the past two months we had set a bunch of rules and hadn't been talking too much. On Sunday I had an allergic reaction so I took benadryl and wasn't at church. he came and checked on me, long story short we went really far. I would have had sex but I wasn't protected. How awful of me to admit? I don't even know who I am anymore. It scares me so bad. I am so engulfed by Satan. I feel hopeless, I am so sick of trying. This is something I have dealt with my whole life. I never remember not masturbating. I read my scriptures everyday and pray, but they don't mean anything to me anymore. I don't know where else to go.
I love my boyfriend, but the more we do this the more our love is turning into lust. I depend on him so much, I cannot let him go. I don't want to live this way but I find myself forgetting why I am here on earth and what love really is. It scares me, yet I feel like I cant stop. I am shattered and so torn.


I Can Relate    
"I'm not offended. I can relate to your story. When I first dated a guy in high school he caught me off guard and felt me up, but then I decided I liked it and so then that was pretty much all we did. Then I dated my first husband and he picked up right where the other guy left off. Things progressed until we eventually had sex (lack of protection didn't stop me). He also encouraged me to masturbate and introduced me to porn movies. We dated for almost 4 years. I would try to stop and never could. I thought I loved him, but I see now that neither of us was in love, we were two addicts feeding our addictions. I married him because I thought it was the only way to make right what we had done together. That was a huge mistake. I have a great 8 year old son from that marriage, but the marriage was a mistake.

You have to make your own decisions about this relationship, but if you don't change anything, you're going to end up having sex with him. You need to decide if that's really what you want to do. People may criticize me for saying this, but if you're not going to get out of the relationship, at least get some protection. That said, if you don't want to have sex with him I suggest (and you'll have to make the decision yourself) putting some space between you and him. Addiction is hard enough to fight when you're trying your hardest. It's almost impossible to quit if you're with someone who isn't fully committed, and still pretty hard even if they are too. I had a really hard time quitting having sex with my first husband. When he was having a hard time he would push my buttons, and when I was having a hard time I pushed his. We both knew the other person's weak points and it was hard. I got kicked out of rehab because I wasn't ready to break things off with him, and that was after being suicidal because I had sex with him after the divorce was final. I can't break off all ties to him because we have a son together, but I did have to cut it to just conversations about our son. It's not hopeless unless you give up trying. It's hard, but it is possible. You are a GOOD person who has made bad choices. You should be somewhat scared. You're headed down a VERY slippery slope. I know because I was on that same slope, and I went farther down it than I thought I ever would. Sex outside of marriage, sex with a stranger, sex with a married man. I haven't done any of those things in over 2 years! I still struggle with masturbation, but I have made HUGE progress. You can too! The Addiction Recovery Program can change your life. Get the manual, go to meetings, work the steps. If you and this guy are really in love, you'll love each other enough to give the space that is needed to heal and then if you still want to be together you can. Please take some time to think about what you REALLY want, not the want for a fix, but your true desires. You can have the life you want, but it's going to take some work and some hard choices.

Keep coming back here. Let us know how you're doing (good or bad). We're here for you!
posted at 00:22:13 on February 3, 2011 by dstanley
Take a deep breath    
"We are ALL "fallen". You are not the only one going through this morbidly difficult task. We are all "rebels", as C.S. Lewis refers to us, against God; and we ALL fall short!

Have you ever wondered why there are two sacrament prayers? The first one tells us to "keep His commandments." The second one reminds us of His blood that was shed because we will inevitably FAIL at keeping His commandments during the wek. I know it doesn't make a whole lot of sense sometimes. I think we are supposed to realize that there is an eternal LAW that we must keep...but that by being in this fallen world we will learn the hard lesson that it cannot be kept perfectly without being "God-like" and to be God-like we must learn, through a lifetime, to submit our will to Him who can make us God-like. Now I just confused myself.

Now back down to earth, you can see a mistake a mile coming. Sometimes we flirt with seemingly innocent situations when we know there is terrible risk. Being alone with your boyfriend is risky. I don't care who you are, if you leave a young man and a young woman alone long enough, trouble will happen.

Practice the harder part of repentance; forgiving yourself. In a very real sense, we are HERE to make mistakes. We are here to learn good FROM evil. Good luck. Don't be so hard on yourself. I can see beating yourself up if there was no hope, but there is hope. Tomorrow is a new day. We can begin again."
posted at 00:23:56 on February 3, 2011 by Anonymous
Good Point    
"Don't beat yourself up! I've been practicing that and it has made a world of difference. If you make a mistake, pick yourself back up, figure out what you need to do differently, and go try again."
posted at 00:26:29 on February 3, 2011 by dstanley
Hope, There is Still Hope    
"It is really hard to break an addiction, especially when someone taught you from a young age that it was okay. Also, sexual addictions are super hard because they come from one of the very basic human experiences that we were put on earth to have.
For me, I had to go through the LDS 12 step program. But I, like you, was just going through the motions and getting nowhere. It wasn't until I had an experience with pornography and masturbation where I heard the most evil laughter that I finally realized where I was and that I DID NOT WANT TO BE THERE ANYMORE! That evil laughter came from Satan's minions who I had invited into my life and home by choosing to engage in such hideous acts.

That scared me silly and I finally started really working my 12 step program with the book *He Did Deliver Me From Bondage*. By "work" I mean I spent hours reading the book, going through the questions and scriptural references and journaling about my thoughts, however bleak and horrible they were. Spending long stretches of time on my knees begging the Lord to forgive me and help me lose the desire for the carnal lusts I had always engaged in. As much time as I had spent looking for my "fix" and engaging in it, that's how much effort I put into immersing myself in the Word of the Lord. I figured, if He could forgive Alma the Younger, why not me? I wasn't any worse of a sinner than he was. But the Lord still loved Alma and rescued him when Alma finally asked for His help.

Some days, I had no more than a desire to have a desire not to do anymore evil things. Things that made me feel horrible and degraded my very soul. So on those days, I just prayed that I would have a desire to do good. And lose the desire for physical lust.

I remember the day that I finally felt the change of heart that we read about in Mosiah. "...the Spirit of the Lord Omnipotent, which has wrought a mighty change in us, or in our hearts, that we have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually." (Mosiah 5:2)
It was like I had never heard that scripture before and had never known the sweetness of the Atonement! For the first time in my life, I felt like I was beginning to understand the Savior's love for me, and the amazing gift of the Atonement. It was for ME. Not for anyone else. Only me! (I know that sounds selfish, and obviously, the Atonement is for anyone who will take advantage of it. But I needed that experience because I had thought my whole life that it was for everyone else, not me. Because I was too broken to be fixed, even my a Savior.)

A light went on and I realized that I needed to continue to do everything in my power to keep it.

The Savior loves you! He knows what you are going through. He wants to reach out and take your hand, but you have to reach UP first. You have to take the first steps. You're not so broken that he can't fix you.

A note about your boyfriend: My son went through a rehab center for 4 months last year for pornography and sex addiction. One of the things they counseled him on was not to get into any relationships for at least two years - assuming he kept his sobriety. This is to allow the deep healing to take place as you re-learn how to handle stress or whatever triggers you have in your life. I'm not saying that you should break up with your boyfriend, but I am saying that I agree with the other poster who said to take a break and give each other space. I can tell you from personal experience that it's so much harder to have a relationship with someone when you both have an addiction. But it is possible if you're both willing to support one another and not "trigger" each other. If you find that you can't stop triggering each other, breaking up may be the very kindest thing you could do for one another.

Good luck! My prayers are with you. Do come back, and DO find a support group in your area. If you live in Utah County, there are two amazing groups. Let me know if you want more info and I can give you times and addresses."
posted at 16:47:20 on February 3, 2011 by radiobug
Book Recommendation    
"I almost forgot! I highly recommend reading *He Restoreth My Soul* by Dr. Donald L. Hilton, Jr. MD. Dr. Hilton is a neurosurgeon who tells you scientifically what is happening to you and your brain. But it's not dry at all. It's absolutely amazing!!! Please get this book and read it! It's such a freeing thing to know what is happening. Knowledge gives you power over this addiction. The more you have, the less Satan can lie to you.

Here's a link. I'm not sure if it's okay to post it. Sorry if it's not!!"
posted at 16:52:43 on February 3, 2011 by radiobug
The Atonement    
"The atonement is amazing and can help you through anything. It has done so with me! You can do it too!"
posted at 17:46:01 on February 3, 2011 by hubster
Nice Point    
""Knowledge gives you power over this addiction. The more you have, the less Satan can lie to you"

Oh so true!"
posted at 19:16:44 on February 3, 2011 by ruggaexpat
Thank you!! And update    
"Dstanley thank you so very much for all that you said, I am so very grateful for your support and to know that someone really does understand what I am going through. Your support means so much to me.
Radiobug your comments brought tears to my eyes, seriously. Thank you so much. I would love to know more about groups. I have always been to nervous to go to them, but I just talked to my bishop and he recommended them. And thanks for the book reference, for sure look in to that.
Thank you everyone! You are the angels I have been praying for. I am so grateful! Thank you! So I talked to my bishop tonight and got a lot out in the open. It was really great. I am so grateful for this church and the strength it gives me. I haven't talked to my bf since Sunday and he hasn't tried to contact me. I pretty sure I need to end it, but don't know if I can get the strength to let him go. Pathetic. Anyway, thank you so much again. I mean it :)"
posted at 23:51:24 on February 3, 2011 by Helpme
You're not pathetic    
"Letting go of a relationship like that is not easy. I was with my first husband for 13 years (4 dating and 9 married) before we first separated. It took another 2 years to actually divorce him and another year to quit having sex with him. My second husband was emotionally abusive to me, and I still had a hard time cutting off all contact with him. You'll be able to do it. I'll be praying for you. Pray. You'll be OK. You can do this. Find a group and go. It's hard to walk in the first time, but it's worth it. I'm the only female sex addict, and often the only female period, but everyone is very welcoming and it's very helpful."
posted at 00:13:07 on February 4, 2011 by dstanley

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"We cannot keep one foot in the Church and one foot in the world. One reason is the world and the Church are rapidly diverging. We will lose our balance.We know that "no man can serve two masters." Some, I fear, are attempting to do what President Marion G. Romney described as trying to "serve the Lord without offending the devil." "

— Larry W. Gibbons

General Conference October 2006