the worst reprecussion yet
By kaybee
1/25/2011 4:38:51 PM
in early 2008 i began dating a wonderful girl and we dated until just redently. in early 2010 i told her about the addiction (MB) that i had allowed myself to be overcome by when i was just 11. i told her because i hoped it would encourage me to overcome the addiction. we talked about how after i got clean i would go on a mission and when i came back we could get married. i need to go 90 days sober to be able to tell my bishop i was ready to go on a mission. but the longest i ever made it was 14 days (in november). but every slip up pushed back the mission more and more. when she went back to BYUI earlier this month we broke up because we both needed to get back on track with the lord. that wasnt so back because we still talked a little. but when we were talking on saturday night she asked how long it had been since i veiwed porn/ MBed. i sadly told her that i had on friday, making saturday day1. she then told me not to contact her in any way until i had my mission call, because i was clinging to a false hope that we were going to be able to be married in 3 years, because i kept pushing my mission back. i felt horrible because i felt like i mite never be able to talk to her again, because who knows how many times i will try to become sober only to fail. but now is day 4 and i want this to be the last day 4. i want to be sexually sober. i have installed a we filter on my computer and have been reading my BoM everyday and the ARP manual too. i called to set up an appt with my bishop so i can talk with him every week. i know i need to put all my trust in the lord, and i am trying. but the key is faith AND works, so is there anything else i can do to safeguard myself from the temptation and anything else i should be doing to strengthen myself spiritually for when the temptation DOES come? i need all the help i can get, because i cant stand to let her down again.


Read This Book    
posted at 16:45:19 on January 25, 2011 by lawrence
A challenge!    
"Take the opportunity to view the very reasonable boundary your ex-girlfriend has put up as a challenge! Institute a strict "no lust policy!" Praying and reading the scriptures really help. That is great that you are already doing that. Don't rely on the filter; rely on Christ. As far as other things that help, I like listening to conference talks instead of music and I avoided television in general for several months (both good mission practice). I fasted every Sunday for months for help. I talked to people who supported me. I chose to give up anything that made me angry (news, blogging about politics, etc,). I also appreciated an awesome blessing that specifically rebuked the evil in me! You can do it! God will help you!

You are right about the faith and works. Elder Scott told us on our mission that we needed to signal to the Holy Ghost we wanted to learn by participating. Surely, signaling the Lord your desire and faith through your works will be an instrument to receiving His blessings!"
posted at 16:53:44 on January 25, 2011 by hubster
"Elder Scott said the same thing on my mission in a mission conference.

That must be his message in this life."
posted at 17:40:35 on January 25, 2011 by ruggaexpat
Other things to help fight temptation    
"Hi Kaybee,

I read your post last night and woke up still thinking about it. It seems you are at a turning point--you want recovery--not for just today but for the long run. I've struggled with sexual addiction for over 15 years. Last summer was a turning point for me. I had been going to an ARP group for six months but then my wife left town and the first day she was gone I purchased porn. It was that night/the next morning that I realized I was powerless--and that I really needed to figure this out. I am in recovery for the first time.

Two suggestions. 1) We can't do this alone. Talk to you bishop but also continue to use this website. Try also to find others that have successfully been in recovery for years (PRAY TO FIND THEM). I personally don't believe it matters what the addiction was--rather that they have successfully maintained recovery. Some of the most resourceful people for me have been those in AA/NA. Our addictions are only a symptom of deeper problems--and a person with years of recovery can guide you beyond just abstaining from addiction.

The second suggestion is a bit direct. I revolted when I was told this but it is true. At this point when you are so ready start praying for the desire to do this for you. What if this wonderful girl were not in the picture? What if you had already served your mission? Would you still deep down want recovery? I now realize that for YEARS my primary motivations to abstain were because of my wife, fear of my employer, an upcoming temple recomend interview...but deep down I had not given up the addiction. I was just avoiding it for external reasons. Those external motivations are good---the help us to abstain and to want to change. But for me I had to finally come to a point where I truly wanted it--and then I prayed as if it was everything--not for them--for me. At that point the white knuckling truly started to go away and I was experiencing the freedom I had been trying so hard to find for so long.

Two Promises
-The savior promises "draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you"
-In the AA Big Book " Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path". AA Big Book p58.

Kaybee WE (people struggling with addiction) are in this together. Many have gone before us and given up the addiction. This is your time.

Best Wishes

posted at 07:09:51 on January 26, 2011 by Anonymous
Lawrence is right    
"That book is fantastic. Also, normalization is really helpful."
posted at 01:27:02 on January 27, 2011 by grateful
Anonymous - You should be my counselor    
"Totally agree about your comment.

I'm 100% guilty (if I'm being 100% honest) about the idea that
"I will abstain from Sex (pn/mb) for a time ... so I can get lots of sex from a future spouse."

subtle point... but a very good one... there is a higher law.. and I need to go there."
posted at 23:30:07 on January 27, 2011 by gracefull
a fine line    
"i would say that yes, i am doing this for me. for 2 reasons, 1. is because i cant stand who i am. like a person who i met who was a closet smoker. she absolutely detested the addiction and thought it was disgusting and would let someone know it, yet she smoked a few times each day. and reason #2 is because i miss the phone calls me and my ex- had each night. yes, part of my reason is so i can get married in the temple, and yes i HAD that same mentality that gracefull mentions last time i tried to overcome porn/ MB. and i think there is a fine line between wanting to get clean so one can go to the temple to be sealed for all eternity vs. wanting to be clean for a time to get later rewards. i wish there was someone who i could talk to about this more but, it ceases to be about addiction or the gospel and just crosses over to missing a best friend."
posted at 02:59:24 on January 28, 2011 by kaybee
Missing a Friend    
"That's what I hate most about being single. Sure it would be nice to have someone to be intimate with, but I miss having a best friend the most. Always having someone to talk to, to share life's ups and downs with. Do you have other friends? Maybe spending more time with them will help while you work to overcome this addiction. Don't isolate. That's deadly with addiction. You'll make it through this."
posted at 12:40:07 on January 28, 2011 by dstanley
thanks d.    
"i havent isolated myself, i have actually found myself talking to my friends a lot, due to something totally unrelated to this site (a network marketing thing). i guess that has been a duel blessing because i have found myself much busier and talking to my friends and aquantances much more often.. thanks for the adivce, and i will make sure to be on the look out in case i begin to isolate myself. its always good to put one more weopon in the arsenal against addiction."
posted at 02:01:40 on January 29, 2011 by kaybee
Its not for her! Its for you!    
"Last year my wife told me she was leaving me after 14 years of marriage! I have been struggling with this addiction for 30 years! I stopped for a while to go on my mission. I actually was sober the entire time, but when I was released I fell back into my addiction cycle. I would be sober for several months then fall completely back into it. I was sober for a few months when my wife told me she was through! Ironically I fell back into my cycle. She confronted me about it one night, at first I denied it. I realizes how addicted I was and realized I didn’t want to hurt my family anymore. I told her I was in my cycle again. I told her how I didn’t want to be the person I was anymore! I told her it would probably be better for her and our six kids if I wasn’t in their lives! I also told her I was going to do whatever I had to change; Even if she wasn’t there. I told her I knew I had lost her to my addiction, and I didn’t blame her for leaving. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, because it was the truth! My addiction had affected my entire family; I had given myself to it instead of to them. This happened two weeks after she had tried to throw me out, and had told me we were through. Amazingly she decided to stay. We read a book a friend recommended. It totally changed my life. For the first time I was able to see my addiction cycle for what it was, and more importantly I could avoid the sin! I am not perfect! I still stumble and fall, but I don’t fall into a cycle that totally overwhelms me anymore.

The book is called, He Restoreth My Soul by Dr Hilton. It might help you to break this cycle while you are still young and single! It gets harder and harder after your mission to change patterns. Children complicate things, and so does a marriage! It would be an amazing blessing to get enough strength and knowledge to learn to control your addiction before you go on a mission. It’s like the armor of god, you have to be constantly vigilant and remember you will always be an addict, but you can learn to control it! If you can your mission will be better, your future marriage will be better, and your life will be better! I never had the resources we have now, I wish I had. You do, take advantage of them, and becomes strong.

“And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them” (Ether 12:27).""
posted at 21:18:57 on April 29, 2011 by 30years

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"Lucifer will do all in his power to keep you captive. You are familiar with his strategy. He whispers: “No one will ever know.” “Just one more time.” “You can’t change; you have tried before and failed.” “It’s too late; you’ve gone too far.” Don’t let him discourage you. When you take the path that climbs, that harder path of the Savior, there are rewards along the way. When you do something right, when you resist temptation, when you meet a goal, you will feel very good about it. It is a very different kind of feeling than you have when you violate commandments—an altogether different feeling. It brings a measure of peace and comfort and provides encouragement to press on. "

— Richard G. Scott

General Conference May 1990