Question about Forgiveness and Second Chances
By dstanley
12/21/2010 10:49:19 PM
I got a couple emails from my ex husband that really have me wondering what to do. He thanked me for the pictures of our son. He's apologizing, asking how much money I want from him for child support, and saying all the other things I've wanted to hear. He says he wants the chance to court me again and prove that he's changed. Of course I've heard a lot of this before, but I can't help thinking that my youngest is our son and so maybe I should give my ex the chance to prove that he can handle talking to me without being abusive. So far people seem to think I'm a little nuts for even thinking about it. I'm so confused. It was so easy when he was being a total jerk. I don't know what to do, and it's got me all wound up.


is this the guy    
"who had a history of sexually abuse in his past. I can't remember. The only thing I can come up with is that you are very close to 1 monh sober, and now he shows up in you life. do not be deceived, and do not isten to his words, look at his actions after a long period of time.

Who sent him back to you? Was it God , or Satan who send him back your way.

I wouold just say move on to better things in your life, but I really do not know you whole story,

Congratsulations on almost 1 month sober. you are doing great!"
posted at 01:11:08 on December 22, 2010 by Anonymous
That's the One    
"I think he's been sober for quite a while, but he is living with his parents (his dad's a bishop, they keep him on a short leash, and he seems to have a strong thing about not doing anything wrong in his parents' house) so I'm not sure that means as much.

Funny you should ask who sent him back because I've not been this close to acting out in the last 3 weeks or so.

Part of me clearly hasn't given up on the dream that I could still have the perfect little family I thought I was getting when I married him. That I could still be sealed to at least my youngest son. Part of me still doesn't trust that there will ever be a better guy who wants to marry me, so if I don't want to be single the rest of my life I need to hope my ex can change. It all seems kind of silly when I write it out, but I still feel that way. Too bad I won't see my addiction counselor (who also was our marriage counselor) this week or next."
posted at 08:46:35 on December 22, 2010 by dstanley
Time and Prayer    
"I don't have any sort of insight or experience to help with your situation D, but giving it some time might not be a bad idea. If he has changed, then he will still be changed and possibly even better as time goes. Also, you may need some additional time to continue to strengthen yourself.

Stay close to the Lord. He loves you and will not lead you astray. He wants you to be sealed to your children as much or more than you do, and will do nothing but lead you to that goal. Just follow Him.

Almost at 1 month! Gold, frankincense, and myrrh have nothing over the gift you are bringing. :)"
posted at 10:09:47 on December 22, 2010 by paul
"Ds, don't be so hard on yourself...guys are easy to win over. As long as you cute, and nice, maybe a big smile w a big heart, um keep house ok, and know how to do long division...then you'd be a catch. Oh ya, nice hair too, always a good seller. And maybe a good cook.
You are smart + you have experience, that makes a difference. When a true man loves you, he'll love you for who you are + who yyou becoming."
posted at 19:19:53 on December 22, 2010 by skyteamst90
"I don't know why this is all making my urges so high. I find myself so torn between wanting to act out and wanting to be 1 month sober for Christmas. I need to do some praying and go to bed.

Thanks Sky and Paul for your words."
posted at 01:56:25 on December 23, 2010 by dstanley
You have the power    
"Give this to your Savior. All this is, is the Devil trying to get you to give up sobriety for nothing. He knows what your gift is, and he will be damned (no pun intended), if he is gonna let you give a gift to the person he hates the most! Your Savior Jesus Christ. If you feel too weak, ask Him to fight this for you. Say our loud " in the name of Jesus Christ, depart from my home now!" I have done this and it works. 2 days and counting, and the evil one is pulling out all the stops. Nothing is off limits.

You have the power!!!!!!

We are all praying for you"
posted at 02:53:23 on December 23, 2010 by Anonymous
okok #2    
"Ds its Cause we all want sex and we all want to be loved + sex and love kinda go hand-in-hand, so that's probably why...and oh if you're like 35 then nature is playing a 'pay-back' trick on you. Then you know what its like to be a 19 year old boy....don't fret, it goes away. Believe me it does.

I find that if I don't 'fight' the sense of surrender, like I say 'ya I want it so bad'...but realizing I can't really do anything about it right now. Like I guess I'm saying I notice the urge, + just tell it oh well...does that make sense? I don't think it did.

Now being on effexor (300mg max dose)....kinda gives a guy side effects, you know what I'm saying??? that helps a bit. I realize for me, I want love, but also realize also that it isn't happening right now...I have no wife, no family, + very few friends, so its really tough being alone.

And also make sure you get rid of your bad books too...that doesn't do you any favors.

Remember just to breathe...learn some breathing meditation exercises...there's power in that....

posted at 13:35:33 on December 23, 2010 by Anonymous
tell that dirtbag you dont want any of what hes selling    
"Enough is enough. The past can be comfortable because its what you know...why put yourself thru more crap? More trauma? Look he had his chance. You can forgive someone but you don't have to be hanging out buddies. Don't make the mistake 2x. You know better. Prayer requires 'action'... Take action keep your door locked + leave him outside. Like I always say, don't let your compassion cloud your judgment."
posted at 13:45:16 on December 23, 2010 by Anonymous
I didn't make it    
"I gave in. I didn't feel like there was anything I could to do stop it. I tried, but nothing worked. I probably should have gotten out of bed, but I really felt like I needed to sleep.

Sky - I wish any of the meds that are supposed to have side effects helpful to someone in our position ever made a difference for me. You made sense. Sorry you're alone. I have my kids and some family and a couple friends, but it's still pretty lonely. I so want a husband. I have no bad books.

My compassion is probably clouding my judgement. I did decide that I'm going to let my ex know that I need to see some changes before I believe he's changed. He's in HI and I'm in WA, so I don't have to worry about him coming around, just emailing me. I guess I just feel like he deserves a chance to know his son if he can change enough for that to be healthy for our son."
posted at 21:38:44 on December 23, 2010 by dstanley
youre still my hero    
"Count the days that you get back up...those are no mind to the relapses as much. Getting back up is key.
I sorry you're having a tough time. I am too. Its just life I smooth saying anymore, lol.
Just focus on small steps + taking it easy. Breathe. Forgive yourself. Love yourself like your best friend. Stop trying hate it all the time. You're worth it + do matter, + your tears are numbered.

posted at 00:05:00 on December 24, 2010 by skyteamst90
youre still my hero    
"Count the days that you get back up...those are no mind to the relapses as much. Getting back up is key.
I sorry you're having a tough time. I am too. Its just life I smooth saying anymore, lol.
Just focus on small steps + taking it easy. Breathe. Forgive yourself. Love yourself like your best friend. Stop trying hate it all the time. You're worth it + do matter, + your tears are numbered.

posted at 00:23:37 on December 24, 2010 by skyteamst90
Thanks Sky    
"I'm trying to get through the rest of today sober. I'm getting more and more nervous as it gets closer to time to go to bed. Part of me wants to say today's already messed up so why try, but the rest of me knows that's not the way to go. I'm sort afraid of trying because I'm afraid of failing again."
posted at 00:34:16 on December 24, 2010 by dstanley
"Go back and read your old posts - when it all clicked. This will give you courage remembering how courageous you already were. I am sorry you slipped. I am sure you will learn from this. My lesson. Scratch knows us ALL TO WELL. and will use ANY means necessary to get us to miss our goal. You were doing so good - he had to get out the BIG guns to even phase you.

Love and prayers.
PS I went to the temple today (first time back!) I put your name on the roll. So everyone in the temple is praying for YOU!"
posted at 01:41:21 on December 24, 2010 by Anonymous
"I'm so glad you got to go to the temple. Thanks for everything."
posted at 02:19:30 on December 24, 2010 by dstanley
have a good xmas    
"Ds, I hope you have a good christmas. Take it easy."
posted at 10:57:53 on December 24, 2010 by Anonymous
Last night    
"I made it through last night sober! Now to make this the first full day sober.

I also had a chat with my ex last night/early this morning. It went pretty well. I told him the conversation has to stay civil even if I say something he doesn't like. If he gets mean I'm done. I told him I'm not thinking about there being any possible us right now, just hoping that he can have some relationship with his son some day. I told him he needs to get a job and send what he can to help support his son. He said he's going to be working for his parents again and he'll send most of it to me. We'll see if it happens. I'm not holding my breath. I asked him to not go on and on about us getting back together. I told him he needs to show interest in his son. It was a good conversation. I'm working really hard on not getting wrapped up in a fantasy of us getting back together. I'm not sure I could with his history, but right now it doesn't matter. I'm not dating again until I at least have a temple recommend and I'm not dating guys without one. I am not jumping back into a bad relationship because I'm feeling alone. The next guy that is part of my childrens' lives needs to be one that will be around forever."
posted at 12:53:21 on December 24, 2010 by dstanley

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"Are you battling a demon of addiction—tobacco or drugs, or the pernicious contemporary plague of ography? Whatever other steps you may need to take to resolve these concerns, come first to the gospel of Jesus Christ. Trust in heaven’s promises. In that regard Alma's testimony is my testimony: "I do know," he says, "that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions."

— Jeffrey R. Holland

General Conference, April 2006